独立作文求改

题目：所有的学校都应该把经济学定为基础课？
Not surprising that economy has been the main focus of people’s daily life. Economics, in which the primary concerns are maximum yield and superior quality, instructing people make much better decisions in their life. Perhaps we have all experienced the moment when our parents buy some valuable furniture. They firstly may make a budget. After searching all available products, calculating the discounts that apply to the transactions, guarantees and delivery terms, they decide where to buy and finally finish the exchange with the seller. This is a chain of activities that utilizes an amount of professional knowledge of economics. If children acquire that knowledge since they are young, they can make good choices and lead to a better life.

By learning economics, it provides a new prospective to view individuals. Everyone lives in the world system by selling something. Teachers live by selling knowledge, policemen by selling the lives and car drivers by selling their driving skills. These skills must be paid for in the same way as the goods in the shop. With children enlightening in this, they will take a wide range of courses, in order to find out what they could probably do. While exploring various academic fields, they develop various interests which can be very helpful. On the one hand, after further searching, they will learn about themselves and thus choose their career. On the other hand, after they stop work, these interests are very helpful in making their retirement more enjoyable.

Secondly, as a result of what is known in economy, students can become wise judging everyday events. It is not uncommon in these days that a great number of graduated students, even had higher study experience, have been conceived of doing jobs that are illegal. Simply because of tempt of irrational salary. They do not even deduce that. What if they have the notion of economy, they must have been free from this confusion.

Learning about the economics can help students become independent and accumulate their own fortune. When they were given the money, some may exchange them for sweets, quite unaware of the fact that the little amount of money can make more money. In contrast, some others would do a budget to decide how to use them efficiently. As it did in the case of Andrew Carnegie, known as the king of steel, succeeded from his ability to expanding the investments during period of economic decline, while others reduced their investments into consumptions.

With western countries becoming more modernized, all the developing countries are attempting to apply their major capitalist system. Meanwhile, schools should set up the economics as the basic science for students to broaden their minds and thus enjoy their lives well.

题目：所有的学校都应该把经济学定为基础课？
Not surprising that economy has been the main focus of people’s daily life. (第一句好像就出现了语法错误，句首加It is.还有，注意最好开头段不要写得太大把话说过头以至于不客观，因为实际上也没有很多国家的人民把economic issue当做他们的main focus)Economics, in which the primary concerns are maximum yield and superior quality, instructing people to make much better decisions in their life. Perhaps we have all experienced the moment when our parents buy some valuable furniture. They firstly may make a budget. After searching all available products, calculating the discounts that apply to the transactions, guarantees and delivery terms, they decide where to buy and finally finish the exchange with the seller. This is a chain of activities(steps) that utilizes an amount of professional knowledge of economics. If children acquire that knowledge since they are young, they can make good choices and lead to a better life. （Good example!很实在很具体的例子，但是你是不是没有在首段给出明确的主题？题目问你应不应该，好像一直没有亮出你的观点啊...）

By learning economics, it provides a new prospective to view individuals. Everyone lives in the world system(所以现在stem在地里已经自动识别成超链接了嘛。。。) by selling something. Teachers live by selling knowledge, policemen by selling the lives and car drivers by selling their driving skills. These skills must be paid for in the same way as the goods in the shop. With children enlightening in this, they will take a wide range of courses, in order to find out what they could probably do. While exploring various academic fields, they develop various interests which can be very helpful. On the one hand, after further searching, they will learn about themselves and thus choose their career. On the other hand, after they stop work, these interests are very helpful in making their retirement more enjoyable. (这一段说理不明觉厉！但是和主题“所有的学校都应该把经济学定为基础课嘛？”的关系好像没有看出来)

Secondly, as a result of what is known in economy, students can become wise by judging everyday events. It is not uncommon in these days that a great number of graduated（graduate） students, even had higher study experience（decent educational background）, have been conceived of doing jobs that are illegal. Simply (不要随便断句哦~) because of temptation of irrational （unreasonably considerable）salary. They do not even deduce that. What if they have the notion of economy, they must have been free from this confusion.

Learning about the economics can help students become independent and accumulate their own fortune. When they were given the money, some may exchange them for sweets, quite unaware of the fact that the little amount of money can make more money. In contrast, some others would do a budget to decide how to use them efficiently. As it did in the case of Andrew Carnegie, known as the king of steel, succeeded from his ability to expanding the investments during period of economic decline, while others reduced their investments into consumptions. （Good example!很贴切的例子，但是最好后面加一句“Andrew Carnegie最后狂赚了一笔钱”或者“AC用这笔钱娶了一个漂亮老婆”，总之你要说清楚AC从他的knowledge of economics得到了什么好处）

With western countries becoming more modernized, all the developing countries are attempting to apply their major capitalist system（什么意思？）. Meanwhile, schools should set up the economics as the basic science for students to broaden their minds and thus enjoy their lives well.

和上次比，语法已经有了很大进步。LZ很用心，继续加油！
但是致命的是，虽然在全文也明确地表达了正面倾向，但没有在开头段给出明确的opinion，所以这会大减分。你的观点应该在开头就说得明明白白
另外一些英文的表达还是有点问题
还有，全篇在论证Economics的重要性，很少提及“开经济学课”的事情，这两者其实是两码事，因为不是经济学重要就必须要开课的
如果忽略上面的问题的话，Raw Score应该在4分左右哦~

perlin 发表于 2013-10-16 14:04
题目：所有的学校都应该把经济学定为基础课？
Not surprising that economy has been the main focus of p ...

谢谢学长，会继续努力，有点事耽误回复您，谢谢！

mingneng 发表于 2013-10-25 09:39
谢谢学长，会继续努力，有点事耽误回复您，谢谢！

不客气我，我14fall的，确定是学长?:)