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[T作文-已改] more or less dependent

[复制链接] |试试Instant~ |t作文-已改, toefl
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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people today are less dependent on their parents than in the past.
希望大家主要从语言和思路上拍
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From my own perspective of view, in china, young people today are more dependent on their parents instead of what’s stated in the claim. And I have mainly two reasons for that. Firstly, the one child policy makes most of the parents coddle their children, thus left young people later to be dependant than in the past. Secondly, the increase in time required of students spending in the study makes it takes longer to economically depend on their owner.
As a result of the one-child policy, most families are allowed to have only one child in response to the over-expanding population. However, it makes the couple more liable to focus their love on one child, and less likely to force the young to stand on their own which faced with difficulty. As a result, it deprives the young of either the chance to fight with trouble or the ability to do so. Growing up in a circumstance void of scenes in which their parents won’t lend them a hand when they are in problems, the young are less likely to be able to handle one on their own. In turn, it pushes them rely more and more on their parents rather than stand on their own. In a word, the extent to which they depend on their parents increases.
What’s more, the growing appeal to a higher level of education of literates of the society makes students stay longer in school. In other words, the increasing stress of finding a job urges young ones to grab a bachelor’s degree after high school, and to pursue a master’s degree when they have finished their university study. This phenomenon delays the time for students to depend on their own economically. Because they have fewer chances to make enough money to support their living and study when they are in school, having no formal jobs. While in the past, most of the grown ups are destined to find a job immediately, by which they could support their own living, and even a family. As a result, young people have to depend on their parents as long as they are pursuing a degree in education.
To conclude, young people today are more likely to depend on their parents because they have neither the ability nor the economy support to start their own life. But it’s promising that after they get a higher degree of education, they will be able to lead a better life once they are enabled the chance to start a career.

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done  发表于 2013-11-12 12:26

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FractionatedEye 2013-11-11 12:15:02 | 显示全部楼层
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1.我觉得思路可以稍作调整,不局限于中国。你列出来的原因2可以适用于很多国家。原因1可以增加实例详述,比如什么样的困境现在的孩子们越来越少遇到,来丰富文章内容。
2.语言挺不错哈,不过有些小错误比如:
1)...and less likely to force the young to stand on their own which(应该是when吧) faced with difficulty....
2)...In turn, it pushes them to rely more and more...
3)higher level of education of literates说法有点奇怪 -> higher education
4)when they have finished their university study -> undergraduate study


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巴斯光年2013 + 3 很有用的信息!

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 楼主| 巴斯光年2013 2013-11-11 16:47:48 | 显示全部楼层
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JustForR 发表于 2013-11-11 12:15
1.我觉得思路可以稍作调整,不局限于中国。你列出来的原因2可以适用于很多国家。原因1可以增加实例详述,比 ...

谢谢!
我确实举例这一块不知道怎么展开
谢谢指出的语言问题和给的肯定
受益很大!
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FractionatedEye 2013-11-11 17:19:13 | 显示全部楼层
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巴斯光年2013 发表于 2013-11-11 16:47
谢谢!
我确实举例这一块不知道怎么展开
谢谢指出的语言问题和给的肯定

不客气,都加油哈
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