【独立】public recognition

感觉越来越不会写了，论证不知道怎么才能充分，语言也不知道怎么才能自然，跪求各路大神指点！！！
这里的例子也不知道用什么，也没有两段之后再让步一段，会不会让分数降低啊？
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People care more about public recognition than about money. Even if no more money is given, public recognition can still make people work harder.
提纲：
同意。
1、从政治家选举可以看出，金钱并不是唯一的激励。这些时间和才智如果花在经商上可以赚更多的钱，但是还是有人花大力气竞选那些薪金并不丰厚的职位；
2、从我们从小到大竞选班长也可以看出。班长这一职位除了带来麻烦没有任何好处，但小朋友们还是愿意承担班长这一职责。
所以人们更在乎社会的认可。
Nowadays, there are increasing concerns ahout the tendency of people to pursue money rather than happiness of family or even their health. However, there is one thing that attracts even more people, that is public recognition. In my understanding, public recognition can make people work hard even if no money is given. And that's why the politicians can work hard for the government even not much money can be gained from their jobs.
Firstly, it can easily be seen from the competition for presidents that money is not the most important incentive to one's performance. As we all know, the salary earned of a president is no more than the money made from a ordinary business man, say a factory owner. But still, politicians spend a lot of efforts, money and time, into this fierce competition. What they are really pursuing is their social status. If they spend this share of effort, which may include the brain torturing preparation for lectures, hard time spent in doing polls, endless meeting with differet fields of peole, into any other businesses, there is a high possiblity that they could make a considerable sum of money far more than a thin salary. So the priority can be seen easily.
Also, we can see people trying to grasp public status from our childhood willingness to take on class monitors. It is quite common that there are always children from primary school all the way to universities are eager to act as the leader of a class. And we all know that this position will bring the leaders no more than troubles and tasks. They have to reconcile classmates that are in friction, and undertake most of the clean duties. What more, in this process, no reward is given. The only thing that drive them to do this is the desire to stand out in students.
To sum up, we can easily see from these cases what the role of public recognition plays in the life of civilians, and it would be obvious that many people sacrifice their time and effort to pursue social status even no money is given.
Words: 346.

很久不来改作文了，你发的两篇只挑这篇了
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People care more about public recognition than about money. Even if no more money is given, public recognition can still make people work harder.
提纲：
同意。
1、从政治家选举可以看出，金钱并不是唯一的激励。这些时间和才智如果花在经商上可以赚更多的钱，但是还是有人花大力气竞选那些薪金并不丰厚的职位；
2、从我们从小到大竞选班长也可以看出。班长这一职位除了带来麻烦没有任何好处，但小朋友们还是愿意承担班长这一职责。
所以人们更在乎社会的认可。
Nowadays, there are increasing concerns ahout the tendency of people to pursue money rather than happiness of family or even their health. However, there is one thing that attracts even more people, that is public recognition. In my understanding, public recognition can make people work hard even if no money is given. And that's why the politicians can work hard for the government even not much money can be gained from their jobs.（最后一句不适合放在开头段）
Firstly, it can easily be seen from the competition for presidents （“总统竞选”应该是presidential campaign，或者改成competition for presidentship）that money is not the most important incentive to one's performance. As we all know, the salary earned of a president is no more than the money made from a(an) ordinary business man, say a factory owner. But still, politicians spend a lot of efforts, money and time, into this fierce competition. What they are really pursuing is their social status. If they spend this share of effort, which may include the brain torturing preparation for lectures, hard time spent in doing polls, endless meeting with differet fields of peole, into any other businesses, there is a high possiblity that they could make a considerable sum of money far more than a thin salary.(这一段写得极好，Bravo！) So the priority can be seen easily(Easily for Chinese, but not so for American raters, so had better be specific).
Also, we can see people trying to grasp (改成establish会更好) public status from our childhood willingness to take on （这个词在这里读起来好像有点别扭）class monitors. It is quite common that there are always children from primary school all the way to universities who are eager to act as the leader of a class. And we all know that this position will bring the leaders no more than troubles and tasks. They have to reconcile classmates that are in friction（in conflict）, and undertake most of the clean duties（“卫生工作”好像也不是这样说的）. What more, in this process(situation), no reward is given. The only thing that drive them to do this is the desire to stand out in students.
To sum up, we can easily see from these cases what the role of public recognition plays in the life of civilians, and it would be obvious that many people sacrifice their time and effort to pursue social status even no money is given.
首先，346词还是不足以拿27分以上的，看你目标建议练到上400.
文章很多句子和用词还是有在下工夫斟字酌句的，但是有些选词出问题了导致别人读的时候会卡壳。
主旨清楚，结构规范，但是两个中间段之间，并不是两个分论点，而是同一个论点举了两个不同的例子而已。这是致命的，因为你的论点并没有sufficiently diversed

不要写让步段，个人强烈不建议写让步段。偶尔写个带although的句子就足以体现思维的复杂性了。
想知道自己是否充分论证了，可以参考OG的5分4分范文

perlin 发表于 2013-11-15 15:39
很久不来改作文了，你发的两篇只挑这篇了
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Peopl ...

谢谢版主！！能改就很好！！
用词总是会卡，有时想不到合适的
才了解到sufficiently diverse这一要求，以后会注意！这一篇是因为实在想不到了，只有这两个例子，写的是会还在想这两个例子其实差不多。
以前一直以为要写两个分论点和一个让步段，最后写一个总结。
再就是开头不是很会写，不知道要论述到什么程度。所以说开头只要提一下就可以了，深入的论述在后面的分论点中进行么？

巴斯光年2013 发表于 2013-11-15 16:38
谢谢版主！！能改就很好！！
用词总是会卡，有时想不到合适的
才了解到sufficiently diverse这一要求， ...

对的，开头点明观点最重要，不需要怎么论述