独立写作求修改

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Young people nowadays do not give enough time helping their communities.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

As the society develops rapidly, the competition turn into more and more fierce. Young people are faced with tremendous pressure unprecedentedly.Recently, whether young people give enough time helping their communities nowadays ignited a storm of controversy. Personally, I agree that the youth do not give plenty of time to do so. There are several reasons and examples to support my opinion, which are as follows.

First and foremost, students learning takes up almost the entire time of students on campus. With the increasingly fierce competitions, students are driven to make every endeavor to be more competent. For instance, in order to be admitted by top universities or postgraduate universities, youngsters have to spare almost every effort to immerse in their schoolwork to get higher scores, which render them exhausted. Even when they have some time, it is more likely to be taken up by extracurricular social activities, which can be elaborately illustrated by my personal experience. On account of winning more edge over my peer, last semester, I participated in English Club, which is the biggest of my university, so as to cultivate my overall development. I spent a lot of time in completing the tasks designated to me, such as scheming activities held by our team, sending out brochures, attending boring lectures and so on. Honestly speaking, I am by no means an exception of my generation. Academic courses and diverse activities make us gasp tiredly and stressfully, not to mention to add the community work under endless missions waiting for us to fulfill in our daily to-do-list. However, students, approximately two decades ago, did not have to entail so much burden as we do.

Another reason worth mentioning is that the youth are spoiled, only to know to gain from others rather than offer assistance to others. We are more selfish than ever, for we intend to get access to all the resources in or out of our reach. In addition, adolescents are especially rebellious. Even if they are instructed and imparted that helping the community is the right thing they should do, they are not willing to do so, for they are in desperate wanting to do something cooler, more flattery, and distinguishing from others, which can attract all the attention to make them in the highlight, instead of obeying elders’ instructions blindly like puppets.

Last but not least, with the skyscrapers being built higher and higher and all the security devices turning into more and more sophisticated, children are not only protected but also locked. We are taught not to believe strangers and to learn to keep hazards at bay at a extremely young age. We live separately, and consequently hardly know anything about our neighbors, who are nearly strangers to us therefore. We are detached and our community is by no means how close-knit it used to be. Such naturally render us indifferent and we subconsciously ignore the naturally woven social net in our community, not to mention provide help and serve in our community voluntarily .

To sum up, from my standpoint, on account of the fierce competition, indulgence and rebellious spirits, and each family’s isolation, youngsters are less likely to give plenty of time helping their community than ever.

-有些小的语法错误

-more and more 用的太多了，显示了你的语言表达形式有短板。建议换一种说法。
. 1point 3 acres
-尽量统一人称。要么举例子一直用we, I , .... 要么一直第三人称 people... students...

-不简洁有重复的地方，比如 "Recently, whether young people give enough time helping their communities nowadays ignited a storm of controversy." Recently 和 Nowadays 基本上是一个意思。

-尽量第二三四自然段的第一句简洁扼要的表达自己的论点。比如“Last but not least, with the skyscrapers being built higher and higher and all the security devices turning into more and more SOPhisticated, children are not only protected but also locked. ” 的意思到底是想说“高建筑”是人们被锁住 的原因呢，还是“security devices”是被锁住的原因呢？而且这个问的是young，不是children。如果要写的话也应该是类似于 "Last, young people have been taught to keep "safe" distance with other people since they are children."

如果还想提高的话就提高信息量，字数看起来是够了的。提高信息量的意思就是精简自己的话，多给information。

易潇 发表于 2016-2-22 09:24
-有些小的语法错误

-more and more 用的太多了，显示了你的语言表达形式有短板。建议换一种说法。

万分感谢