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[T作文-求改] tpo23独立作文求改 我这么写算不算小小跑题啊 求指导

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题目:
In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.

  As the technology advances, the world is undergoing an unprecedented rapid development. Therefore, it is widely accepted that we should adapt ourselves to the highly changeable world. From my standpoint, it is wiser to finish your work fast and take some risks in making mistakes.
  First and foremost, the ability to work swiftly is a must for today’s work force. For some office employees, due to the fast pace of life, they must deal with hundreds of emails and inter-office communications every day. Because of this, they must learn how to work quickly and efficiently or they will never finish his tasks on time, which may result in dismissal. For professions like firemen, police, and doctors, sometimes they need to deal with emergency immediately. In these cases, if they were lacking in this ability, the fire would be out of control, the criminals would go unpunished and the patients would die without timely treatment.
In addition, working promptly is essential to seizing opportunities. As chances are always transient, we need to hurry up to grasp them. Take the shared bicycle for example, there are three companies contending for market share originally. However, when the huge demand of shared bicycle shows up(appears), Mobike was the only one to realize the speed's instrumental role in the competition. Therefore, they worked their ass off and designed a totally(whole) new bicycle, which is equipped with GPS and intelligent lock, preceding the other two companies. This new bicycle was extremely advanced and perfectly met customer’s strong demands so that it did not take a long time to capture the market. As a result, Mobike defeated the others by landslide and soon became the leader of the market.
   Last, working quickly can provide an impetus, which lead to a more efficient job. Slow progress in work often dampen people's morality. Inversely, if you want to fulfill a goal quickly, you must exert yourself to complete it. The pressure of time limit will motivate you to reach your potential. For instance, when you are in an exam or an emergency, you have to hurry up and probably risk making some mistakes since you do not have enough time to make sure everything is all right. In this case, you will devote yourself to the task and finish more works than usual situation.
   From what has been mentioned above, not only does working quickly and taking some risks help you grab opportunities but also has incentive effect and make your work more efficiently. For these reasons, people should be encouraged to work quickly and risk making mistakes.
   

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aerodreamer 2017-3-31 03:16:59 | 显示全部楼层
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没跑题,但是讨论不够完整。以下几点可以提高:

1. 你的观点只讨论了 'work fast VS work slow', 原题 是‘work fast and risk making mistakes VS work slow and everything is correct'。我只在倒数第二段看到你提到了如果work fast and make mistakes了会怎样, 这显然是不够的。你应该补充 why the risk of making mistakes is bearable if you work fast: A. maybe the mistakes are minor and easy to fix  B. maybe it's impossible to get everything correct at one shot  C. mistakes are desirable because they can reveal facts that are otherwise unseen.

2. 首段最好总结你的三个小论点。

3. 减少使用非正式用语,比如 ‘worked their ass off '这种口语化词组,不符合academic writing 的要求。

4. (OPTIONAL) 可以适当让步,承认 'work slowly but don't make mistakes'也会有好处,但是最终要回到你支持‘work fast'的观点,说‘work fast'的好处更大。
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刨冰888 2017-3-2 01:23:56 | 显示全部楼层
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看到这个帖子想起当年我申请的时候写托福作文的时候。。。
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 楼主| Jacklx 2017-3-2 10:07:06 | 显示全部楼层
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刨冰888 发表于 2017-3-2 01:23
看到这个帖子想起当年我申请的时候写托福作文的时候。。。

咋啦???
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话说这是一道比较题目,楼主在中间三段基本没提另一方观点怎么不好,这样做是不是不太好啊?比较题应该还是两房都说的吧。还有就是独立写作还是练机经吧,不要练tpo了
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刨冰888 2017-3-3 05:02:10 | 显示全部楼层
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以前也没个tpo改作文,楼主加油加油
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刨冰888 2017-3-3 05:02:33 | 显示全部楼层
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刨冰888 发表于 2017-3-3 05:02
以前也没个tpo改作文,楼主加油加油

每个。。。
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 楼主| Jacklx 2017-3-3 10:32:27 | 显示全部楼层
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wangmengyuan 发表于 2017-3-2 10:27
话说这是一道比较题目,楼主在中间三段基本没提另一方观点怎么不好,这样做是不是不太好啊?比较题应该还是 ...

第三段提了一点点  好像一边倒的做法也是可以的吧   感觉这两个不是很好比较咯/挠头
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Jacklx 发表于 2017-3-3 10:32
第三段提了一点点  好像一边倒的做法也是可以的吧   感觉这两个不是很好比较咯/挠头

你的观点是一边倒,一直在说快节奏好,但是也要说一下慢节奏不好,毕竟是一道比较题目~
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