独立写作真题求批改

题目是It is impossible to always be completely honest with your friends.


Honesty might be regarded as one of the most important characters in a relationship between you and your friends and a person who has a reputation for honesty seems more likely to win the favor of others. Thus, when getting along with your friends, you may believe that you should always be completely honest with them. However, I think it is impossible to do so. Indeed, honesty would sometimes contribute to the relationships, but completely honesty also brings about a number of serious problems.

First, complete honesty is harmful to people's fundamental rights to privacy. Completely honesty means that nearly every secret is supposed to be shared, whether it is necessary or not. No one does not have a few secrets which he or she wants to conceal forever. If these secrets had nothing to do with others and just evoke oneself's embarrassment, why must they become overt? Even if in a most intimate relationship, it is necessary to leave some space for individual privacy, especially against the background of underlining the security of privacy in modern society. As an undergraduate, I have a right to choose my favorite electives and professors. There is a professor always be selected less in my institute. According to the investigation of the students who participated in his class, it is not because he is short of professional knowledge or teaching skills but resulted from his requirement of absolute honesty of his students. They claim that keep honest with the professor even on some frivolous affairs interrupt their sense of safety. Therefore, completely honesty might be detrimental to the fundamental right to privacy, which is essential to individuals.

Second, complete honesty is not always beneficial to your friends or the relationships with them. It might seem a contradiction to common sense that deceit also has advantages. However, in some cases, deceit truly plays an important role in solving problems. For instance, if a doctor told you that your friend got a serious disease and must keep emotional stability in order to recuperate, should you choose to tell your friend the truth or a transitory lie to keep him or her calm? I consider that the latter choice would be more in favor of the recovery. Thus, when complete honesty is not appropriate, a kind of ‘benign deceit’ would be a better choice.

Finally, in some situations, it is rather difficult to keep completely honest. If your friends involved in a conspiracy that is illegal or pernicious to the society, you should not be completely honest with him or her. Honesty could be regarded as a virtue only when it is favorable to the whole society; as long as it breaks this rule, it should no longer be known as merit. Therefore,  in the situations above, honesty is not only a foolish conduct but also a sin that should not be applauded.

Consequently, though there are some benefits to be honest, I maintain that it is still impossible to always be completely honest with your friends. When you consider whether you should be honest with your friends in specific situations, the right of privacy, the benefit of your friends and the entire society should take into account. Honesty is meaningful only in this way.

1. 行文框架：算是一篇四平八稳的单边型议论文，但：
（1）第三个点的“difficulty”我认为不属于第一段中你说的“带来了serious problems”，顶多算是一个“自身固有的缺陷”，属于逻辑错误。
（2）你有没有发现你的第一条分论点写得最长，越往后越短了？我猜测是不是写到后来经常感到“咦这个论点和上一点好像重叠了”“这个事例上面用过了”呢？出现这种情况一般说明分论点选取得还不够好，所以写到后面就觉得在说车轱辘话、感到无话可说了。再加上考试剩余时间越来越短，心里着急，后两个分论点只好草草收尾。其实我觉得为什么不用A+/B-/B-的段落结构呢？——
·先把honesty的好处稍微展开说一说（比如最容易想到的，增进信任）
·然后过渡一下，说“honesty固然是有这种好处的，但不见得一定要complete honesty呀～其实吧，说话的时候适当的有所保留、有所美化，也不见得是坏事，反之，死板地坚持complete honesty也会带来很大问题的！”
·接下来的两段就还是用你的两个论点：1. 隐私需要尊重 2. 说大实话人家未必爱听，会破坏双方之间的关系。（顺序可以换一下，我觉得破坏关系似乎是更为重要的一个问题）
·最后再来个结尾段。这样就是一篇结构看起来更加舒服的文章了。

2. 语言细节
（1）completely是副词，请不要用来修饰honesty（第一段、第二段）
（2）privacy rights就可以了吧，rights to privacy读起来感觉奇怪。
（3）"There is a professor always be selected less" 句子结构混乱。建议写完后留2分钟时间做proofreading，考试时也一样。
（4）deceit 这个词太严重了。。这里提供一个可能更合适的：white lie 白色谎言、善意的谎言。
（5）结尾段建议还是用 in conclusion或者 to sum up。consequently用在段落内部的说理比较合适。

（ps. 本人托福写作首战30分～一家之言供你参考啦）

#不是专业的托福老师，托福写作也勉强26，吃完饭没事干过来谈谈看法
1.我觉得essay这种文章还是尽量不要使用第二人称，托福可能不是很学术，应该不要紧。G估计是不推荐的。
2.首先completely honesty肯定是不对的，completely honest。然后感觉你才开始说了六句话，就很多很多的completely honest。paraphase很重要。
3.感觉No one does not，多余了？
4.I have the right更适合你的语境，https://ell.stackexchange.com/qu ... i-have-the-right-to
5.例子后面不建议直接结尾，你的例子非常有新意，但是缺少分析（灌水）

今天又小修改了下，这个字数在考场上对我来说肯定很吃力 有没有大神看看能到4分以上吗

Honesty might be regarded as one of the most important characters in a relationship between friends and a person who has a reputation for honesty seems more likely to win the favor of others. Then, Should we be completely honest when getting alone with friends? As far as I am concerned, I think it is impossible to do so. Though honesty would sometimes contribute to the relationships, complete honesty also brings about a number of serious problems.

To start with, moderate honesty is truly conducive to the relationships between friends. Since honesty gives rise to understanding, which is essential to the incipient formation of a relationship, unacquainted people could eventually become close friends. The process of familiarity is mixed up with honesty from each other. By eliminating some divergence through exchanging ideas candidly, honesty is able to deepen mutual trust and promote friendship. If there were no longer any honesty exists, the world would be full of mendaciousness and cynics. Therefore, honesty is indispensable in both individual life and social function.

However, complete honesty without questioning is not always beneficial to friends or relationships, and it can be harmful to the society in some situations. It might seem a contradiction to common sense that deception also has advantages. Yet, in some cases, deception truly plays an important role in solving problems. For instance, if a doctor told you that your friend got a serious disease and must keep emotional stability in order to recuperate, should you choose to tell your friend the truth or a transitory lie to keep him or her calm? I consider that the latter choice would be more in favor of the recovery. Thus, when complete honesty is not appropriate, a kind of ‘white lie’ would be a better choice. With regard to the effect of complete honesty on the society, if your friends involved in a conspiracy that is illegal or pernicious to the society, you should not be completely honest with him or her. Honesty could be regarded as a virtue only when it is favorable to the whole society; as long as it breaks this rule, honesty should no longer be known as merit. Consequently, the results of honesty vary depending on the degrees and cases.

Moreover, complete honesty is harmful to people's fundamental privacy rights. Complete honesty means that nearly every secret is supposed to be shared, whether it is necessary or not. No one does not have a few secrets which he or she wants to conceal forever. If these secrets had nothing to do with others and just evoke oneself's embarrassment, why must they become overt? Even if in a most intimate relationship, it is necessary to leave some space for individual privacy, especially against the background of underlining the security of privacy in modern society. As an undergraduate, I have the right to choose my favorite electives and professors. A professor is always selected less in my institute. According to the investigation of the students who participated in his class, it is not because he is short of professional knowledge or teaching skills but resulted from his requirement of absolute honesty of his students. They claim that keep honest with the professor even on some frivolous affairs interrupt their sense of safety. Therefore, complete honesty might be detrimental to the fundamental right to privacy, which is essential to individuals.

In conclusion, though there are some benefits to be honest, I maintain that it is still impossible to always be completely honest with your friends. When people consider whether they should be honest with their friends in specific situations, the privacy right, the benefit of friends and the entire society should take into account. Honesty is meaningful only in this way.