独立作文求改

独立写作 机经练习列提纲[小马机经 顺便分享了】

2013-1-12 11:48:37
Q1 2010.9.24 NA
大学应该提供学生更好的job preparation before they start working

Agree:
1 tough completing, preparation and do better
2 higher salaries better prepared for completing/hunting job(1)
3 better fit when first start working [gain work skill ]
2+1: comprehensive qualities are important as well.

【提高就业率】【更早接触/适应职场，学生更成功】
Disagree:
1 u & col. Shall teach student comprehensive qualities, knowledge, not preparation for job. Ability and knowledge is the point.
2 seeking a job is always problem for most fresh graduate , (反面)

【竹子答案】
正面
1 can benefit students
Gain more practical working skills
Win more advantage in job-hunting
2 can benefit school
Increase the employment rate
Improve the ranking  ,thus boost school's reputation and attract better students
. ----3 can benefit the society
Provide more qualified workers with both need skills and mental readiness
Improve the productivity of the society
4 benefit employers
Save time and money on training for new workers
Enhance the efficiency and the productivity of the company ?!!!
反面
The col. And univ. should be focused on:
1 science, art
2 establishing grounds for the life-long learning concept and promoting students' attitude, skills, learning styles and habits
3 job skills and techniques can only be obtained in working field, not in univ. & col.
=-------------

Nowadays, job competition, especially foryounger generation -- the fresh graduate is more and more intense. Thus, somepeople argue that university should provide student better job preparationbefore they graduate and start working.

I hold the belief that it is splendid to getstudents prepared before they step out of schools.

First of all, students can gain workexperience during such preparation training. Schools offer to give classes tostudents and chance to intern in firms. Kai Fu Lee said, "Every companieswant they fresh graduate applicants have internship experience." During theinternship, students may gain numerous experiences about how to be  excellent employees. It will make thestudents better fit when they graduate and start working full time at corporations.

Moreover, having interned and been trained,students can obtain confidence when facing job hunting after they graduate. Theywill feel less pressured, which help they performance better when interview andworking in turn. Students can learn how to communicate with different peopleand acting as a team during the internship. It will teach students theimportance of communication, cohesion and teamwork.

Furthermore, preparation for jobs helpthese highly educated youths be fit for the society better. The nation, and theworld, needs qualified workers with both needed skills and mental readiness. Itwill improve the productivity of the society.

Besides, employers benefit for this aswell. They can save time and money on training for new workers. They will beglad to hire the graduates with ability , knowledge and working skills.Productivity of companies will be enhanced remarkably. Thus, companies pay moretaxes for the government, benefiting the society.

Preparation for occupation before studentsstart working is necessary. Students can gain work experience and learn to howto use their knowledge. Besides, it makes students more confident and cohesive.In addition, the society and employers benefit strikingly.

文章修改了贴在里面。括号里面是修改的。

Nowadays, job competition,especially for younger generation, the fresh graduate, is more and moreintense. Thus, some people argue that university should provide student betterjob preparation before they graduate and start working.

I hold the belief that it is splendid(beneficial) to get students prepared beforethey step out of schools.

First of all, students cangain work experience during such preparation training. Schools offer to giveclasses to students and chance to intern in firms. Kai Fu Lee said, "Everycompanies want they (their) fresh graduateapplicants have internship experience. (这句话也不知道你是从哪里弄来的， 各种语法错误)" During the internship,students may gain numerous experiences about how to be excellentemployees. It will make the students better fit when they graduate and startworking full time at corporations.

Moreover, having interned andbeen trained (读起来拗口，after internship and training), students can obtain confidencewhen facing job hunting after they graduate. They will feel less pressured,which help they performance better when interview and working in turn. Studentscan learn how to communicate with different people and acting as a team duringthe internship. It will teach students the importance of communication,cohesion and teamwork.

Furthermore, preparation forjobs help these highly educated youths be fit for the society better (改成help XXX fit the society better). The nation, and the world,needs qualified workers with both needed skills and mental readiness. It willimprove the productivity of the society. (写的还是不够实在，不够convincing)

Besides, employers benefit forthis (为啥是for this非常不能理解，from) as well. They can save timeand money on training for new workers. They will be glad to hire the graduateswith ability, knowledge and working skills. Productivity of companies will beenhanced remarkably. Thus, companies pay more taxes for the government,benefiting the society. (没有例子的支撑，说服不了人，很牵强的证明)

Preparation for occupationbefore students start working is necessary. Students can gain work experienceand learn to how to (learn how to) use theirknowledge. Besides, it makes students more confident and cohesive. In addition,the society and employers benefit strikingly. (小小的一段话里面，出现了很近的两处besides和in addition 个人觉得很没必要，显得十分冗余拗口)

首先，语言方面不说太多，起码要通顺。读不通的文章，能多少分？其实除了几个地方有明显问题，大多都不错。

再者，也是最重要的，论证的方式。ETS明确表明了，最希望看到的是例证。因为就普通的思维程度，给出的说理证明简直就是naive，一点都不convincing。所以多写一些例子，能增加可读性，显得更加convincing也能够增加字数。你的字数俨然还是少了点。

除非是文章写得行云流水，短小精悍，字字珠玑，否则不建议写太短（比如刚刚300左右），至少写350~400+。

个人观点，仅供参考。

mantoull 发表于 2013-1-14 16:24
文章修改了贴在里面。括号里面是修改的。Nowadays, job competition,especially for younger generation, t ...

TvT 主要是 写不下去了……
我写着写着我就晕了 有很多不严谨的乱七八糟的地方 （AKA，我用中文也不一定写的通顺，个人问题）

感谢帮改。