万年作文20出头，想请大家指点一下原因到底出在哪里~

With the rapid development of science and technology, electronic equipments have been widely used by not only adults but also our kids. Recently, the issue that whether our children are too addict in electronic products, such as computers, mobile phones and video games for fun and entertainment has triggered a heated debate on social media. Attitudes to the issue vary from person to person. Yet, as far as I can see, I have an inclination to support the idea that kids should keep away from electronic equipments, and spend more time on playing traditional toys or going out with their companions. I will explain my stance by following reasons and examples.
To begin with, it behooves us to say that watching at electronic screen for a long time will cast detrimental effect on children's health. This is because, for one thing, when people focus on the content on the screen, their sports time will be correspondingly reduced. Thus, for them, the possibility of getting sick will be boosted. For another thing, using electronic devices too much will also hurt kids' eyesight. In this kind of situation, they are more likely to wear glasses at a young age. So, it is reasonable to ask them to decrease their screen time.
In addition, what I have to admit is the importance of the Internet in spread knowledge and information. Through surfing Internet, students are able to access a broad range of knowledge that their teachers or professors cannot give them in class. But, we cannot ignore the significance of cooperation and communication abilities for the development of children. If they concerntrate on viewing things on their computers, the time they can share with their buddies will be reduced. Without frequent playing with their friends, kids probably feel lonely, and their communication ability are poor in conparison with their peers.
To sum up, well-grounded is the conclusion that parents have responsibility and duty to help their kids avoid too much screen time, since both good health and excellent communication competence are critical for furture success.

重点问题是：不够具体。托福写作的考官很喜欢看一个考生提出一个idea，然后用一个example把这个idea给讲清楚。重点其实应当是把example给描述清楚，而不应该是凭空去讲大道理。example的话当然是越清楚越详细越好，最好的情形是生动形象，现编的问题都不是很大。希望对lz有所帮助（ps.本人托福写作26-27之间浮动虽然没很高但是应该有点发言权了😂

补充内容 (2019-10-30 16:52):
比如写同学之间交流变得很少可以写“我以前有个朋友，他只喜欢玩电脑，但是他却不喜欢和同学玩耍。在周末的时候我们总是在一起学习玩耍出去野炊，他却日常沉迷网络打游戏看小说不和同学合作，久而久之我们再也不和他玩耍了。之后他变得越来越自闭，不喜欢说话参加活动，也没享受到互联网给他带来的快乐”，写成这样的例子，并附加很多细节，行文会充实很多。我就顺手举了个例子，要是没有很切题lz轻拍啊😂

诶！10.19的真题是吧 我考的这场 我之前也是万年18 19 20分 这场给了我24 我写了350词 但是很恐怖的是我完全没感受到我这场的水平比之前有提高……感觉最近写作判分好玄学

楼主！我觉得你在现行的基础上加上例子佐证就非常好了，你的内容主要是论点，论证，最后加上论据就完整了

首先是字数问题，我用wordcounter看了一下只有342 words，400词以上应该会好一些。首段有点冗长，应该扩充后面的evidence，再编不出来就在结尾前加一个让步段。然后是语法错误，推荐写完用Grammarly查一下，这段文章复制进Grammarly有13个报错提醒。加油！

两个论据，一个是支持你的论点，另一个是反对的。把第二个改成支持的比较好。另外，用主动语气：我怎么怎么样。不要用被动语气：it怎么怎么样。加油！

开头有点多，显得中间论据部分字数太少了，没有阐述清楚。

氢锂钠钾铷铯钫 发表于 2019-11-2 12:02
诶！10.19的真题是吧 我考的这场 我之前也是万年18 19 20分 这场给了我24 我写了350词 但是很恐怖的是我完 ...

哇，我就是考的19号的这一场。但是这篇作文是我考前自己练习的，所以考试的时候我基本上原封不动写上去了，当时还自我感觉很好（因为erater这篇给了我5分）。结果分数一出来。。。。我就自闭了。
PS：19号这一场我综合也小点也全听出来写到，还检查了三遍。我问无老师为什么这样给分，他说最近惩罚chinglish，要我找母语者看看。。。。我晕死

relaysme 发表于 2019-10-31 08:42
楼主！我觉得你在现行的基础上加上例子佐证就非常好了，你的内容主要是论点，论证，最后加上论据就完整了

我也感觉到写两个分论点的时候内容少了点，感谢你的回复！！MUA~

fff12345 发表于 2019-10-31 07:45
开头有点多，显得中间论据部分字数太少了，没有阐述清楚。

是的是的，我考虑了几天，应该是这原因