【写作真诚求助！】W23魔幻钉子户在线求大家指点问题感激不尽~（考过1次28然并...）

以下是我的考试历程和练习文章，非常真诚地请大家给给写作的建议！！求拯救大四开学才确定申请的可怜孩子！！
【问题】：在以下考试历程/备考方式/写作方法中+结合下面我的两篇习作，有哪些问题？求挑毛病！！把问题向我砸来吧！！！


基础是：6级裸考610
目标：四项小分25，总分110（目标学校虽然发offer不要求但是会con）

大二：

• 100，准备时间半天左右，R28+L24+S26+W22
• 基本上没怎么准备写作，综合200词+写作350词
• 但是这次口语真的是人品爆了！之后再也没考过26...
  

大四：
9.1 ：

• R30+L27+S24+W23 （阅读听力的分之后就没变过，就不说了）
• 这期间准备时间6天，写作准备时间大约30小时，综合写作准备了套句，独立写作还是准备+练习得不够充分。
• 综合250词+独立450词
  

10.12

• S22+W28
• 准备时间15天，主攻写作，每天都精练了两篇，用xmind总结了表达/句式；收集了一些视频课，主要看了小站的
• 综合280词+独立500词
• 考试时遇到三选一，选择了之前练过的话题，有准备过的现成段子+例子；但除此之外没觉得有什么亮点...
• 这次因为口语没发挥好所以总分还是没到110
  

11.10

• 这次我愚蠢地报错了考试时间（我以为报的12月的）...11,8刚考完GRE，所以就准备了1天。。。
• S25+W23！！！！
• 自我觉得文章总体比28的那次好
• 综合280词+独立550词
• 具体情况：题目是孩子的时间被各种活动和作业填满了+家长应该让孩子自己选择；中间第一段是肯定前者情况属实+举例，第二段是讲让孩子自己选择的话兴趣是最好的老师所以更有提升意义，第三段是孩子应该学会自主独立和锻炼自我规划的能，这两段没举具体例子，但是举了虚拟（suppose类型）的例子
  

11.17
我承认我这周只主攻了口语，写作只花了1天时间集中重温，但是每天练习了1篇....因为周六晚上才出上次的分，我以为有了上次28加持一定不会差（Naive!）.....

• W22！！！！更低1分！！！
• 我真的不知道做错了什么...我担心上次是因为独立的模板（完全原创）重复了所以考前晚上重新写了一个模板
• 综合280词+独立550词
• 具体情况：题目是有人认为课间应该休息以保持高效，有人认为不应该因为休息是中断而长期学习可以优化注意力；中间第一段是说人脑/身体需要休息refresh+编了一个research的结果，第二是心理上放松、和同学交流的机会等等，第三段是让步说一定时间的专注是重要控制好休息频率和时间就所以休息和专注不矛盾+举例番茄工作法。
• 因为担心上次拼写错误和语法错误比较多导致减分多，这次特地放慢了一些，每一段写完都专门检查了（综合写作一般全文检查）
• 综上所述：我很无语，我觉得我这次的无论如何比大二时挤牙膏出来不到350词的作文是一个水平...我不知道该如何提高，也不知道为何自己28和22的文章差在哪里.....
• 
  

PLUS：我11.8考的GRE的AW是4分水平，GRE V160


我真的累了......考不动了......后面总分越考越低......
只能先递交了.....好在其他两维都还不错希望招生官不要太介意托福......PLUS如果有con offer我还要继续考托...
ETS送钱无数......我的实习工资都搭进去了真的很心疼.......因为不敢跟家里人说考了这么多次都没过......（家里四五线小城市，出国读书家里负担真的不轻...）


球球写作大神指点！！！祝大家offer多多！！！

【问题Repeat】：在以上考试历程/备考方式/写作方法中+结合下面我的两篇习作，有哪些问题？求挑毛病！！把问题向我砸来吧！！！

两篇近期拙作附上：
Note: 第一篇是原稿（仅修订拼写错误）；第二篇是写完之后进行过少量句子润色修改的，总体篇章结构和内容没变。

1. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The way of a person's dress is an indication of his or her personality or character .

The fashion industry has witnessed a dramatic revolution during the past century. Not only there spring up an ocean of different choices of styles and types of clothing, but also people are gaining more freedom and a bigger say on their own fashion design. Controversy always arises when it comes to whether the way of dressing reveals the personality of a person. Undeniable, outward looks can never be the only criterion to evaluate a person. However, since people are paying more and more attention to clothing and fashion nowadays, the dressing should contain some clues to the some characters of a person.

To begin with, the style a person dress in embodies his perspective of the fashion and personal preference, which are closely associated with their characters and personalities. The mania for fashion requires not only a strong interest, but also a recognition of the young culture and the willingness to adapt themselves to the latest tendency. In other words, being ready to change and the ability to perceive the trends are prerequisites for a fashion look. However, conservative people are reluctant to cater to the popularity, or even show repugnance towards things that change fast and seem radical. A case in point is the jeans with elements of big holes and bright colors on it, which is an archetype of young fashion clothing, always instigates the criticism of our parents. Therefore, it will be efficacious to have a glimpse at the reaction to changes and the flexibility of mind deep in one's heart through their outlooks. Similarly, a person prefer bright and eye-catching colors may be more outgoing and even flamboyant, while those who dress in dark colors more often might be more unassuming and calmed.

Secondly, dressing also plays an effective role in disclosing the attitude towards life. Dressing suitable is a basic social requirement in order to avoid embarrassing discomfiting others. Delicate dressing suitable to the certain occasion manifests the meticulous efforts and well-educated qualities. For a girl showing up elegant in a formal meeting and dressing lovely in personal party, you may conclude that she must have a good aesthetic taste. On the contrary, unkempt dressing indicates inattentive to their appearance, either meaning that this person is not courteous enough to others or just lives in a perfunctory lifestyle.

The last but not least, even the style of dressing is possible to mirror some characters of people, we should not make our judgements completely on the appearance. On the one hand, a undescriptive set of dressing cannot eclipse the intelligence in the brain and other previous virtues like honesty and faithful cannot be revealed by dressing. On the other hand, it will be unfair to make a certain assert on the features mentioned above as well because there exists gaps of income, time and other constrains on dressing. Therefore, a person with an unchanging dressing style does not necessarily hate changing.

In summary, the way of dressing can indicate some important features of someone's preference and characters but we should judge a person too much on his appearance. Afterall, inner beauty ranks the first priority of the intrinsic quality of a person rather than the outer dressing.

2. Government should spend more money on youth education instead of on universities
The overall pattern of education has witnessed a dramatic revolution and progress in the recent years. Not only a university degree are becoming more accessible, education for young children are also gaining increasing attention. Some propose that the expenditure of government on education for young children weighs more importance than that for university students. From my point of view, however, it is the university level education that deserves the most consequence regarding the financial investment from the government.

To begin with, it is undoubtedly that the education in college gives rise to most of the contribution to a person's success instead of education at very young age. In other words, university studying functions as the stepping stone for personal success and rank the top determinants among the different stage of learning. During the age between 5 to 10 years old, seldom do people learn anything specific for their career and directly associated with the realm that they dedicate their lives to afterwards. Instead, study in this phrase only includes most fundamental principles in the textbooks. On the contrary, besides the multifarious kinds of knowledge useful and necessary for future career, students also accumulate practical experience which can only be gained under a mature recognition rather than at a fairly young age. As a result, university students hold a clear understanding of how to leverage the devoted resources and transform them into talent pools and intelligent properties of the society. Therefore, the expenditure on university education enables government to spend more precisely and efficaciously on future success and social contribution.

Furthermore, a university of high quality and efficiency to output requires much more resources of both higher scarcity and price than a primary educational institution. Firstly, faculties with prominent reputation and academic achievements lay the ground stone of a university. Secondly, laboratories providing advance equipment are also dispensable for the cutting-edge technological research. Besides, scholarships and financial aids play a crucial role to attract and assure excellent students as well, which is the soul of the university level education. However, for the fundamental education, the requirements for teachers and facilities are much milder and less urgent, can hardly form a big challenge to the government.

Last but not least, by no means can the investment in university of government be replaced by other institutions, while primary education can be delivered by parents to a great extent. Without campus life in a validated college, one can never be socially recognized as qualified as a university student. On the contrary, it’s not uncommon that parents can undertake a considerate proportion of education children received at a young age. In this regard, why don't we spare this share of money to education demanding more investment and leading to higher return?

In summary, university education is more imperative and effective for cultivating a success person and demands more high-quality resources, while entry-level education can be substituted by parenting to some extent. Therefore, it is safety to reach the conclusion that university level education is of higher consequence comparably.

楼主别考了 差不多就行了 提高写作不是一朝一夕的事 看得出来你想用很多高级的难的词汇 可是好多地方都生硬或者不合适 语法有问题的也不少 这些都是要长期大量阅读才能改善的 现在的分差不多了

lynn00lynn 发表于 2019-12-5 03:42
楼主别考了 差不多就行了 提高写作不是一朝一夕的事 看得出来你想用很多高级的难的词汇 可是好多地方都生硬 ...

非常感谢！
阅读积累确实是非常的不够，全部都是应试准备）只是想短期内能否寻求突破，或者说2-3个月的备考周期的话对于能力提升有特定的方向（大概如果会有学校发con的话应该在2、3月，明年还是仍然需要考）
我在写文书的时候也被老师敲打了说表达比较复杂生硬、思路比较中式，但是还是没有很理解在托福行文中具体的问题，不知道可否拿一两句话举个例子？

个人觉得综合写作可能字数有点少，不妨也多写一些，我当时是朝着把listening里所有的例子都paraphrase一遍的目标去写的。
另外就文章来看你的冠词使用错误率很高啊（虽然我也一样），可能语法错误会减分。可以试试grammarly的语法修改，基本的就行。
感觉8月托福改革之后写作越来越迷……我知道好几个人都是30 30 26 23这样的……不觉得有什么权力指导只是随便说说想法请批评= =

Maeve. 发表于 2019-12-5 12:55
个人觉得综合写作可能字数有点少，不妨也多写一些，我当时是朝着把listening里所有的例子都paraphrase一遍 ...

啊综合我一般写完都有5-6分钟，但是听说因为建议150-225词，所以超过太多可能会不大好？不知道这是不是个谣言hh但是现在看不到两个task的good和fair具体评级所以就也不知道是不是综合的锅
冠词错误率确实很高，虽然经过写作中注意现在已经降低很多了但用考满分的e-rator批改出来一篇文章还是会有3-5个左右orz

一位很闲的grammarly premium用户路过，帮你放到grammarly上检查了一下，见附件

怎么下载还扣米...

nmgnbdt 发表于 2019-12-5 13:43
一位很闲的grammarly premium用户路过，帮你放到grammarly上检查了一下，见附件

感谢！
我平时就用免费版的grammarly）感觉premium的确更多专业建议...