TPO 50 独立写作求批改~

题目：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
All university students should be required to take history courses no matter what their field of study is.  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

我的回答：

It is widely believed that learning history is beneficial for a person, for it can broaden one's horizon and makes him/her wiser when encountering problems. However, I disagree that it is suitable to force all the university students to take history courses. My reasons are as following.

First of all, students would not study history well if they had no interest in the field. Generally, it is difficult for a person to learn something he/she dislikes. Obviously, not all the students in the university love the stories of the past, in which case they can hardly focus on the history classes. As a result, they can not study well and may even fail in the course, which will surely make them even more dislike history. In my university, every student should take some cultural course before graduation. The university wants all the students to know something about history and culture of our country. However, I find that most students are inactive in those cultural course, and I notice that some students are even working on math homework during the class. In the end, those students actually learn nothing about the history and at the same time waste their time on the class.

-baidu 1point3acresFurthermore, students in the university should spend more time on their major course and most of them have no spare time for the history course. We only get 4 years for our life in the university, and the time is actually limited. In other words, a student can never have enough time to study all the courses in the university. If a student is forced to take the history course, he/she must have to scarify the time for the major course. However, we know that the university is a place where a student can gain lots of knowledge and skills which are important for their future careers. If a student did not take enough time on his/her major course, he/she would not get enough skills to compete with his/her peers in the future. In this case, he/she can hardly get a satisfying job.

In conclusion, I oppose the idea that every student should take the history course in the university. On the one hand, not all the students like the field of history and they can hardly study it well. On the other hand, students should spend more time on their major course for their future and they do not have much time for the history course.

应该如何修改呢，希望得到大家的意见，谢谢各位指点
我到目前还是不知道作文的结构怎么写比较好，看有的范文每一段都会举具体例子，而有的范文又是全是议论没有具体例子
（上一次考写作只有19，希望能够25+）

有一些词汇不够高级，如important；虚拟语气与一般语气不要混用；有些句子太短；最后一段介意不要用on one hand,on the other hand,因为这一般用来表示相反的观点，可以使用for one thing,for another

可以多用一些主动点的动词，尽量避免，make ...do...比如“make them even more dislike history" 听起来不是很自然。