独立作文求批改，谢谢啦！

题目：People who leave home for the city are more likely to be successful and happier than people who remain in village.

.. 正文:
With the development of the society, the number of people holds the view that people should live in the village because of less population and clean air. However, I'm still holding the view that people should live in the bigger city, for the reasons are that more opportunities to success and happier.
Obviously, people who live in the bigger city would obtain more interesting and funny than those who live in the small village. Citing myself as an example. I grew up in a small village which is very boring for living. For instance, we always went to bed at 8 pm and without any outer activities, which really depressed me. However, when I graduated from the university, I lived in a bigger city, which is very fun. I could watch the play in theatre at 10 pm, I also could talk to the friends in the bar at any time, I even could eat whatever I want at the midnight. You could not do this in a small village. If you live in bigger city, I'm sure you would understand how fun the bigger city is.
Additionally, I believe that we could make more friends in the bigger city. I also could serve as a typical examples, I always go to the gym and play the basketball with others. We are the teammates, and we would work for one goal, which could make us communicate easily. Therefore, I could make a lot of new friends, which would make me feel happier. Compare to bigger city, suppose that you live in a small village. You would not have as many opportunities to make new friends as living in the bigger city, because too few people live in there.
Finally but the most important, we could easier to success than living in small village, because a lot of job opportunities in bigger city. For example, my brother's major is the computer. He could repair computers for people in the village or set a computer company in the bigger city. Obviously, he chose to set a company in the bigger city. Now, he lives in a successful and happy life. It is reasonable to expect that if my brother chose to live in a small village, he could not make such success.
Of course, living the village has some advantages, which could make people feel happier, like the clean air and less pressure. However, from what have been discuss above, we could safely draw the conclusion that people would more likely to be successful and happier than those who remain in the village, because the more funny, more friends and more opportunities to success.

大神，求批改

As society develops (更简洁), there is a growing viewpoint (避免people用两次) that people should live in villages as opposed to cities (要对比就要把反方是什么写出来) because of the smaller population and cleaner air. However, I'm still holding the view that people should prefer to live in a large city, as it brings more opportunities for success and happiness. (happier是对比的形容词，可是原句中又没用清它到底是为什么主语而形容。这里改为像success一样的名词。)
Obviously, people who live in a big city would have more interesting and entertaining daily lives (obtain取得funny不对，因为obtain只能取得一个名词而funny是形容词。这里改成一个更简洁的小句) than those who live in a small village. Citing myself as an example, I grew up in a small village that was very boring to live in. For instance, we always went to bed at 8 pm and depressingly there were never any activities outside the home. However, when I graduated from the university I came to live in a much larger city, which in comparison is filled with fun. I could watch a play in the theatre at 10 pm, I also could talk to the friends in a bar whenever I liked, and I could even eat anything I wish at the midnight. All this is impossible in a small village. It is clearly apparent that the extra venues and activities available in a populous city makes it a much more entertaining place to live. (原句很变扭，bigger city都重复用了)
Additionally, I believe it is easier to befriend others in a city. Again using myself as an example, I socialize by going to the gym and playing the basketball with others. My teammates and I work towards the same goal, which improves the communication and understanding between us. Therefore, I am much happier because of the potential to make many new friends. Compare to bigger city, suppose that you live in a small village. In contrast these opportunities would not be available in a small village due to the small population.(原句的意思可以很简洁的写出)
Finally but the most importantly, the abundance of job opportunities in a metropolis creates an environment that facilitates achieving success.(这里可以秀一下词汇以避免重复) For example, my brother majors in computer technology.(computer不是专业，computer science或computer technology是专业) He had the career option of repairing computers for local villagers or setting up a computer business in the bigger city. Obviously, he chose the latter path to pursue(可以用非直接引用的方式来避免重复). Now, he lives in a happy and fulfilling(避免重复) life. It is reasonable to expect that if my brother chose to stay in the village he would not be as successful.
Of course, living a village has advantages that are beneficial for some, such as the fresh air and relaxed atmosphere. However, we can conclude from what I have been discussed above that generally people would be more likely to find entertainment, socialization and success in a city as compared to a village, and therefore live a happier life overall.

红字为修改，红底黑子为删除

"big"和它的变种用的很多，简单词用得很多，致使表达出来的点子都比较简单而且显得有重复性。LZ应该努力增加词汇量以便写出更复杂但简洁有效率的观点来，并且语法也有待进步。

putout 发表于 2013-8-24 13:16
As society develops (更简洁), there is a growing viewpoint (避免people用两次) that people should liv ...

可以点我的签名  去帖子要学分了

putout 发表于 2013-8-24 13:19
版主给了这么多大米小的还敢要分吗。。。

这就是为了鼓励大家来参与 互帮互助啦
神牛还没有学分  多不合适   学分不是分...2篇IBT作文一个学分

q198800287 发表于 2013-8-24 05:24
这就是为了鼓励大家来参与 互帮互助啦
神牛还没有学分  多不合适   学分不是分...2篇IBT作文一个学分

好，那我一定认真改。