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[T作文-已改] 独立作文求改 110918CN

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A or DA the rapid growth of cities in today's world is a mostly positive development for our society.110918CN
驳论:
1. 城市的快速发展给人们的身心健康带来影响(压力、心理健康)(人)
2. 城市的快速发展破坏了自然环境(注意别跟1交叉了)(植物动物)
3. 城市的快速发展竭尽自然能源
修改点:逻辑、例证、结构、句子词汇
正文:

Citiesare developing so rapidly that many things have changed and these changes bringboth positive and negative impacts on our society now. In my point of view, Ideem that the rapid growth of cities makes remarkably negative influences onour society. The fast growth of cities, as a matter of fact, viciously affectsboth physical and psychical health of human beings. Besides, ecologicalenvironment is deteriorated by the expansion of cities and natural energy is onthe edge of depletion.

Apparently,healthy levels of people who live in cosmopolitans are declining though thecontemporary medical treatment skills are much better than before which mighthelp people defeat disease or live longer. The number of people who are transforminginto the state of sub-health is on the rise. The drastic competition in rapidlydeveloping cities exerts large amount of pressure to massive people nowadays.We may quote the common example that there are a growing number of people whoare in search for psychological treatment in hospitals or private clinics. So itis the high pressure that people are tending towards the life with decreasingqualities. Even worse, since there is a strong connection between physiologyand psychology of individuals, deteriorated mental state might lead to myriadsof physical diseases such as headache, insomnia and even cancer. Undoubtedly,it's really detrimental for people's living under such unpleasant and tense circumstance.

Majorityof enlargement of cities is at the expense of destructing ecologicalenvironment. Plants and animals are suffering a lot from such rapidurbanization. There are increasing numbers of natural creatures that are addedto the lists of endangered species. In addition, almost everyone can sense thediminishing of existing forests. For instance, it appears to be harder for usto find an available piece of area for camping. There are no green mountains,no clear streams and even no shadows of woods. What a pity, where has thebeautiful and lively nature gone?

Themore expansion of cities, the more consumption of natural energy. In order toconstruct more buildings and other facilities, humans have to obtain resourcesfrom nature which means large exploitation of our poor planet. There is a day,needless to say, when people use up all the natural energy such as gasoline andfossil oil. When the day comes, people might have to research for other formsof energy from out space or they would find nothing left. No one would like tosee this situation happen. It might even be scaring for some people to imagethe future life that everybody strives for the last natural energy.

In a nutshell,rapidly developing cities, in fact, bring much more destructive impacts tohumans and nature than the benefits it actually provides. Our mental andphysical health state would not be as ideal as before. The whole planet mightbe in danger with less green trees, contaminated water, and polluted air.What's more, nearly depleted energy resources would make us fall into the cycleof dreadful exploitation.

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参与人数 2大米 +30 收起 理由
perlin + 10 蛮有诚意的作文求改
vincent11 + 20

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perlin 2013-9-6 15:41:42 | 显示全部楼层
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LZ英文功底深厚,行文的清晰度、句法和措辞很难再挑剔,猜测是考过GRE的人,提纲写得也不错,每段的说理都很impressive & persuasive
建议一:每段的example还欠detailed, 比方说"almost everyone can sense thediminishing of existing forests",事实上一般生活在城市里的人并不能sense到deforestation,所以这句概述的话可以替代为这样一个例子:“在USA的XX州,由于YY城的expansion,它周围的某个ZZ山上的森林shrink了70%”这样的数据可以去wiki一下
建议二:个人看法,LZ的第2、3个分论点都是从natural environment的角度去考虑的,有一点点重复。实际上society的发展还包括很多方面,比如cultural的方面。例如,可以写由于城市化,很多年轻人融入城市生活,实质上是一种过度同化(overly assimilated)的过程,suburban地区的一些风物失去传承的机会,不利于society的发展。

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q198800287 + 30

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 楼主| e453079612 2013-9-7 13:46:56 | 显示全部楼层
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perlin 发表于 2013-9-6 15:41
LZ英文功底深厚,行文的清晰度、句法和措辞很难再挑剔,猜测是考过GRE的人,提纲写得也不错,每段的说理都很 ...

非常感谢斑竹的鼓励和建议~

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哈哈,谢谢,中农加分上限就是3分  发表于 2013-9-9 09:21
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