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[T作文-求改] 独立作文求改 081025NA

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A or DA students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be likely to succeed than students who do not. 081025NA
DA驳论:
1. 保持房间整洁浪费时间 Thomas Adison
2. 保持房间整洁给人一种压力感
3. 爱整洁虽然是一种看似不错的好习惯,但成功的关键因素有很多,但爱整洁不是关键因素 Abraham Lincoln

修改侧重点:逻辑、词句,有问题都指出来吧~

正文:

Success is a common issue people never stop discussing about. When it comes to behaviors of students, some people may argue that keeping rooms neat and well organized is a fare habit for students to succeed. However, I can not totally vote for this point of view. As far as I am concerned, keeping rooms neat and well organized wastes time of students, and may even bring some unnecessary pressure to them. Besides, there are lots of other elements which are far more significant than just having the behavior of being neat for students to succeed.

Apparently, it is convenient for students not to tidy their rooms. And they can save a huge amount of time for doing something else. They can spend the time on building up bodies, reading more books, or just taking a break and relaxing. They are concerned about the efficiency with the accelerating tempo of life. The faster, the better. Consider the example of Thomas Edison, he would not like to clean up his room for it might take much time on which he could spend doing more experiments. In short, not tidying up rooms is convenience and it leaves more time for students to do some more meaningful stuffs.

In addition, well organized room creates an atmosphere of solemn. Just image if you see everything is in order in a room, you might feel a little serious like you are in a library with all books standing on shelves tidily. This solemn may be an origin of creating more pressure subconsciously for students. Indeed, neat room is kind of delivering information that one should settle down all the minds in the brain just as tidy as his or her room. In light of this, more pressure is brought to students secretly.
Admittedly, it is generally agreed that the behavior of keeping rooms neat does bring students benefits. For example, they can take this habit to their studies which may help them organize knowledge well. But other qualities of faithfulness, intelligence, determination are directly proportional to success. Without faithfulness, one can not insist on when he or she is encountered with hard situation. Without intelligence, one would spend more time tackle with tough problems. Without determination, one can hardly make choice in crucial time. Think about Abraham Lincoln, could he lead Americans to victory in the Civil War without his rapid decision in this severe emergency? Thus, many factors contribute to individuals' success including students. And having the habit of keeping rooms neat is only a small factor for students’ success.

In summary, it is not absolute that students who like to keep rooms neat will be likely to succeed than those who do not. If the statement is true, there must be abundant with evidences supporting this standpoint. Unfortunately, there is few. But what really do impact students’ opportunities to succeed are other well-known qualities such as honesty, faithfulness, intelligence, and so on. Habit of cleaning up room is not the key element for student’s success.

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YLiyxr 2014-9-14 14:21:36 | 显示全部楼层
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不知道在这里回复楼主还看的到否。。

感觉楼主的基本功非常扎实,英语能力也很强,
三个论点组织的都很不错,论述的也比较清楚,但是对于第二点稍微有点轻,没有打到重点上。

整洁->压力,这个逻辑关系没有问题,但是压力如何就不利于学生成功了?这里楼主几乎没有谈及,楼主只论证了会造成更多的压力,但是没有论证更多的压力如何有害于学生的成功。而你的题目并不是要你论证有没有压力,而是是否有利于成功。如果你没有论证到成功这一层,第二点基本上可以说是偏题废掉了。你不可能让每个人都潜意识里认同压力大=难成功,这是你需要论证的部分。更何况压力->不利于成功也并不是那么好论证的,没有压力就没有动力。楼主可能要再考虑一下这一块怎么论证。

其他部分都很完美,让我小小膜拜一下orz,除此之外有些细节问题提出来,楼主可以再斟酌。
Without intelligence, one would spend more time tackle with tough problems.
spend time doing,  所以tackle -> tackling

one can hardly make choice in crucial time
make a choice/ make choices

rapid decision
没太懂这个搭配...你可以说快速地做了一个决定,但是怎么做一个快速的决定。就是说,这个决定是快速的?。。我想你可能是想表达果断果敢的意思?make a prompt decision是当机立断的意思,可以参考

abundant with evidences
个人觉得这里不需要with...abundant本身就是形容词了可以直接修饰evidences

But what really do
强调句中的do/does要主谓一致,前面是what所以这里用does

希望能帮助到你^_^ 也能帮助到看到贴的同学~
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