[T作文-求改] TPO1 independent writing task 第一次写托福作文求帮助！

对托福作文具体要求还不是很了解，按照感觉写的，希望好心人指点！

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

文章：（330 words）Some people claim that sports and social activities should get same financial support as classes and libraries because they are of same importance. Before expressing my opinion on this statement, it's necessary to explain the function of the university and college in my sight. As an advanced stage in the student life, the university and college shouldn't only play an academic role. It's like a boundary of student life and social life, so that the students must learn how to treat with groups, society and form their life style .Sports and social activities help doing so and thus worth more attention. Health is the most valuable treasure in a person's life and the college students should recognize it's importance .Social activities provide working chances and students  can learn to cooperate ,to deal with problems, they get much experience through social activities for further work. These activities should be financed without doubt.
But whether the sports and social activities should receive the equal amount as classed and libraries is another problem .As i think, the classes and libraries should receive more financial support for these reasons: firstly, for the school,since the main function of universities and colleges is studying ,if a school put more money in social activities and their academic level decreases, the prestige of the school will also plummet. Secondly, for students, it's iniquitous to use much money to develop sports and social activities, because the money comes from their tuition ,but students takes part of those activities in different extent. A development of library benefits everyone, but a financial support for sports and social activities only benefit small amount of people who play sports or join the clubs. Last but not least ,put much money to support sports and social activities doesn't necessarily promote the activity or make student enjoy playing sports, the students who don't interested in sports won't play it anyway, so the money brings little changes to students' conditions of such participation. Financial support is not everything.
In conclusion, sports and social activities .classes and libraries should get equal attention, but the latter one should be financed more.

Here is my opinion.

Some people claim that sports and social activities should get same financial support as classes and libraries do(我觉得这里少了个do...) because they are of same importance. （我觉得这里可以开门见山，先点出你的观点。下面再explain。评卷人可能不一定有兴致看那么细，说不定会觉得你观点含糊不清，那就囧了。）
Before elaborating on my opinion on this statement, it's necessary to explain the function of the university and college in my sight. As an advanced stage in the student life,(删去多余的the) university and college shouldn't only play an academic role. It's like a boundary of student life and social life, so that the students must learn how to behave within certain groups (删去society，觉得跟group并列怪怪的) and form their life style and social network .Sports and social activities help doing so and thus worth more attention. Health is the most valuable treasure in a person's life and the college students should recognize it's important .Social activities provide working chances and students  can learn to cooperate ,to deal with problems, they get much experience through social activities for further work. These activities should be sponsored without doubt.
But whether the sports and social activities should receive equal support(原来的句子太冗长了，不自然) is another problem .As i think, the classes and libraries should receive more financial support for these reasons: firstly,（删去for the school,） since the main function of universities and colleges is studying ,（这句表意有误，应该是学生的主要任务是学习） if a school puts more money in social activities and their academic level decreases, the prestige of the school will also plummet. Secondly, for students, it's iniquitous to use much money to develop sports and social activities, because the money comes from their tuition ,but students takes part of those activities to different extent. The enhancement of library benefits everyone, but a financial support for sports and social activities only benefit small amount of people who play sports or join the clubs. Last but not least ,put much money to support sports and social activities doesn't necessarily promote the activity or make student enjoy playing sports, the students who aren't interested in sports won't play it anyway, so the money brings little changes to students' conditions of such participation. Financial support is not everything.
In conclusion, sports and social activities .classes and libraries should get equal attention, but the latter one should be sponsored/financed more.

JustForR 发表于 2013-9-17 22:01
Here is my opinion.

Some people claim that sports and social activities should get same[/backcolo ...

太谢谢亲了！马上就要考了突然发现刚开始准备考试的时候写的作文被改了超欣慰啊，不过那时候写的真的满愚蠢的啊哈哈哈辛苦亲改了一篇这么漏洞百出的东西TT
总之十分感谢！