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[T作文-已改] 独立作文求狠批第二篇

[复制链接] |试试Instant~ |t作文-已改, toefl
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本帖最后由 q198800287 于 2013-9-1 08:28 编辑

8.27 独立 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Decades ago, when a young man was choosing what he wanted to major in at college, he ususlly turned to his parents for some help or even for the final decision. However, nowadays, the previous situation is reversed that young people are seemingly better able to make decisions on their own. Several reasons in different dimensions result in the young generation's progress.

First and foremost, we can proudly say that education today is far more advanced than that of the past, which inspires young people to gradually form the independent thinking ability. Even in high school, some specific curriculums according to students' interest have been set up, and students could choose them freely and take them once or twice a week. These courses act a crucial role helping the young find their own true love and inner voice. After entering the university, some superb speeches and lectures conducted by some celebrities or some professors could be found almost every week in the campus, which propels young students to think more and enhances their independent thinking ability to some extent. When their thoughts are formed, surely, young people could make more decisions by their own instead of depending on their parents.

Moreover, with the booming of Internet and the prevalence of search engine like Google and Bing, SNS like facebook and Twitter. It has been extremely convenient for young people to find their answers using these advanced technologies. If you confront some dilemmas when making a decision, just open your internet explorer and input the keywords of your confusion, then thousands of solutions will pop up. The only thing you should do is screening these results and finding that one you really want. On the other hand, you could also raise a question on some specific forums when you cannot make a certain decision, and many specialists in that field will show up to answer your trouble and propose some proper suggestions assisting you to make a wise decision finally. These people are experts, consequently, their solutions at most time will be better than your parents'. So, when facing a decision to be made, go to the Internet to collect some advice and data first.

Although today we could find the answer by our own at most time when making decisions, we still should respect parents' proposals anyway. If sometimes their thoughts contradict ours, we need to take their advice into consideration nevertheless before making a final decision, because parents are always right on the issue of wanting their children to be better. Maybe their advice seems unacceptable currently, but on the long run, it will be beneficial sooner or later. So, we should never neglect parents' suggestions.

From the above analysis, it is safe to conclude that the statement is right that young people are better able to make decisions in their lives than in the past, thanks to the better education they received and the power of Internet. But still keeping that in mind, young people should never neglect their parents' proposals completely.

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上一篇:[T作文-求改] TPO1 independent writing task 第一次写托福作文求帮助!
下一篇:康老师机经9.1
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crystalxyj 2013-8-30 13:11:59 | 显示全部楼层
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现在的independent题目是不是越来越难的,感觉这个题目比TPO的作文题目难啊。。。(天啊我9.1就考了现在还觉得作文题目难。。。)
结构很清晰,观点很好,就是语言上面,有一些地方不太natural,还有一些很基本的语法错误,随便举一个(更多错误坐等大牛给你一一指出吧),最后一段,it is safe to conclude,不是safely,写完后自己检查一下语法错误呀,如果不能第一遍保证语法没问题,最好写完后给自己留点时间检查。
另外关于这个话题探讨一下,审题方面,需不需要再多写写过去的情况呢?(我也不知道,这是疑问句)感觉ETS出了一个很大的话题让我们30分钟写成一篇小作文。。。这个问题看大牛能不能解决一下。。。
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 楼主| tacit 2013-8-31 19:45:02 | 显示全部楼层
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crystalxyj 发表于 2013-8-30 13:11
现在的independent题目是不是越来越难的,感觉这个题目比TPO的作文题目难啊。。。(天啊我9.1就考了现在还觉 ...

非常感谢你的建议!
语法错误我马上编辑一下。
明天就要考了啊,加油!之前看过你的文章,感觉正常发挥吧,good不在话下。
审题方面你一说,感觉还真有点偏离了,sigh, 掐时间写的时候,一般就想到啥写啥了,看来还是要略微想的透彻一些再动手:)
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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.


Decades ago, when a young man was choosing what he wanted to major in choosing major at college, he  a young man ususlly turned to his parents for some help or even for the final decision. However, nowadays, the previous situation is reversed that young people are seemingly better able to make decisions on their own. Several reasons in different dimensions result in the young generation's progress.

First and foremost, we can proudly say that education today is far more advanced than that of the past, which inspires young people to gradually form the independent thinking ability. Even in high school, some specific curriculums according to students' interest have been set up, and students could choose them freely and take them once or twice a week. These courses act a crucial role helping the young find their own true love and inner voice. After entering the university, some superb speeches and lectures conducted by some celebrities or some professors could be found almost every week in the campus, which propels young students to think more and enhances their independent thinking ability to some extent. When their thoughts are formed, surely, young people could make more decisions by their own instead of depending on their parents.

Moreover, with the booming of Internet and the prevalence of search engine like Google and Bing, SNS like facebook and Twitter. It has been is extremely convenient for young people to find their answers using these advanced technologies. If you confront some dilemmas when making a decision, just open your internet explorer and input type in the keywords of your confusion, then thousands of solutions will pop up. The only thing you should do is screening these results and finding that one you really want. On the other hand, you could also raise a question on some specific forums when you cannot make a certain decision, and many specialists in that field will show up to answer your trouble and propose some proper suggestions assisting you to make a wise decision finally. These people are experts, consequently, their solutions at most time will be better than your parents'. So, when facing a decision to be made, go to the Internet to collect some advice and data first.

Although today we could find the answer by our own at most time when making decisions, we still should respect parents' proposals anyway. If sometimes their thoughts contradict ours, we need to take their advice into consideration nevertheless before making a final decision, because parents are always right on the issue of wanting their children to be better. Maybe their advice seems unacceptable currently, but on the long run, it will be beneficial sooner or later. So, we should never neglect parents' suggestions.

From the above analysis, it is safe to conclude that the statement is right that young people are better able to make decisions in their lives than in the past, thanks to the better education they received and the power of Internet. But still keeping that in mind, young people should never neglect their parents' proposals completely.


写得不错,文章段落安排上也挺合理的


screen的解释如下,似乎和文章想要表达的意思还是有点出入的……
(1) : to examine usually methodically in order to make a separation into different groups
(2) : to select or eliminate by a screening process
(3) : to test or examine for the presence of something (as a disease) <patients were screened for hepatitis>

hdchina2010
2013-08-31

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 楼主| tacit 2013-9-1 02:38:40 | 显示全部楼层
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hdchina2010 发表于 2013-8-31 23:57
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended o ...

非常感谢批改!
screen貌似是有些用的不到位。
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Decades ago, when a young man was choosing what he wanted to be major in (或写...what he wanted to be majoring in...) at college, he ususlly turned to his parents for some help or even for the final decision. However, nowadays, the previous situation has been reversed such that young people are seemingly better able to make decisions on their own. Changes in several different dimensions of thought have resulted in the younger generation's progress.

First and foremost, we can proudly say that education today is far more advanced than that of the past, and in particular it inspires young people to gradually form the ability for independent thinking ability. Even in high school, some specific curriculums(curriculum的复数也可以写作curricula) catering to student interests have been set up, and students could choose them freely and attend the classes once or twice a week. These courses act a crucial role in helping the young find their own true passion and inner voice. After entering the university, engaging speeches and lectures delivered by some celebrities or distinguished professors could be found almost every week on campus, and they encourage young students to think more and develop their independent thought to some extent. Once they have formed views that they are confident with, young people could definitely make more decisions by themselves instead of depending on their parents.

Moreover, with the boom of Internet, the prevalence of search engines like Google and Bing, and the growth of social networking sites(不要用考官可能不了解的缩写) like Facebook and Twitter, it has become extremely convenient for young people to find their answers to their questions using these modern technology . If you come across a dilemma when making a decision, just open your Internet(前面用了大写I后面就要保持) browser and enter the keywords pertaining to your query, then thousands of solutions will pop up. The only thing that one needs to do is to determine which result is the most suitable. Further(后面一点是补充前面,而on the other hand一般是要讲对立的一点), you could also raise the question on a forum when you cannot make a certain decision,
(还是跟前面是同一个话题,不需要再重复)
and many specialists in that field will show up and attempt to provide you with an answer that would be helpful to you in ultimately making a correct decision
. These people are experts and consequently their solutions most of the time will be better than those of your parents'. So, when facing a decision to be made, one should go to the Internet to collect some advice and data first.

Although noawadays we are largely independent in arriving at solutions when we solve problems and make decisions(避重复), we should still respect the guidance given by parents. If sometimes their thoughts happen to contradict ours, it is prudent to take their advice into consideration nevertheless, because parents always want the best for their children. Their words may seem unhelpful initially, but in the long run they often prove to be beneficial sooner or later. Therefore we should never neglect suggestions from our parents.

From the above analysis, it is safely to conclude that the statement is right in that young people are better able to make decisions in their lives than in the past, thanks to the better education they received and the power of Internet. At the same time though, young people should never neglect the opinions and advice of their parents completely.

红字为修改,红底黑子为删除

思路结构很好,词汇用的也比较高级。语法应增强些。有时有些小句在英文里是成语(如"parents always want the best for their children"),而自己临时组编反而会显得很不自然并意思不清楚。必须要多学习才能掌握英语中的习惯用语。

不好意思,答应改了后耽误了这么长时间。

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crystalxyj 2013-9-1 14:51:06 | 显示全部楼层
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tacit 发表于 2013-8-31 19:45
非常感谢你的建议!
语法错误我马上编辑一下。
明天就要考了啊,加油!之前看过你的文章,感觉正常发挥 ...

嗯~谢谢鼓励啦~~呼。。刚考完。。。
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 楼主| tacit 2013-9-2 14:12:38 | 显示全部楼层
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putout 发表于 2013-9-1 04:44
Decades ago, when a young man was choosing what he wanted to be major in (或写...what he ...

非常感谢大牛的批改!很犀利。
“必须要多学习才能掌握英语中的习惯用语”,这个确实是我现在最欠缺的,正在通过看各种范文例子来提高,也看了大牛之前批改的几篇文章来学习。总之,慢慢积累了~ 不过时间也不多了:)
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 楼主| tacit 2013-9-2 14:13:28 | 显示全部楼层
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crystalxyj 发表于 2013-9-1 14:51
嗯~谢谢鼓励啦~~呼。。刚考完。。。

10天后来报下writing的分,哈哈~
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tacit 发表于 2013-8-31 19:45
非常感谢你的建议!
语法错误我马上编辑一下。
明天就要考了啊,加油!之前看过你的文章,感觉正常发挥 ...

9.1一战115,写作30~~你也加油哈~~~~之前谢谢鼓励啦~~~
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