9.14 求大神帮忙批改，小弟感谢不尽。。。

题目：Students get benefit from student organization or club activities as much as their academic studies.

With the blooming of education, when it comes to the word 'academic studies', it appeals every one since academic studies is a most part in people's live. However, it is hard to come to an agreement when exchanging opinion on whether students will get benefit from student organization or club activities as much as their academic studies. From my point of view, I am fully convinced that students will obtain more benefits from organization or club activities than academic studies. My arguments are listed as follow.
To begin with, a lot of students will understand what they really interested when they join student organization and club activities. That is to say, students will find where their strength and passions lie. If they work hard in their advantage field, they have a great chance to success. However, if they only study about academic and do not understand what they really love, they will not make any great achievement. For instance, I am a computer major student. I always hold the view that I would love computer. And I also obtained great grade in class. I took part in the computer club and history club. Surprisingly, I did not have any interested in computer. In contrast, I showed a great talent and passions in history. Therefore, I changed my major. Now, I feel very happy since I really love history.
Although the first reason I mentioned above is probably the most important reason why I hold the view that students may gain more benefits in student organization and club activities, do not forget that we will make a large number of new friends when join student organization and club activities. In other words, we will meet many people who have same habits and passions like us. We may build a great friendship between us. Also, those people may help us when we need help. On the other hand, you cannot make a lot of new friends as join a club. Citing my brother as an example, my brother loved basketball very much. He joined a big basketball club. At this club, he knew a lot of people who also loved basketball. Therefore, many people became my brother's good friends. A man offered a great job to my brother due to they were good friend. Now, my brother lives a happy life.
Of course, it is not wise to ignore the fact that studying academic studies also enjoys a large number of merits. Not only does it gives us lots of knowledge, but also provides an opportunities which we can stay away from noise. However, we also can learn new knowledge through club and organization. Moreover, we also can join a club in which people are interested about travel, and we can enjoy relax and quiet from this. Hence, I still adhere what I supported above.
In short, though studying academic studies can give us knowledge and peace, I still believe that we can obtain more benefits from student organization and club activities.

又看到这个题目了...文章raw score大致在3.5左右，观点明确读起来蛮顺口的。
另外，2点小建议——

1. 不用写让步转折的句子，也就是说“although... . However, ...”之类的话可以更少一点，你只需要说你是如何赞成student organization or club的就可以了；
2. 用词、句式还可以再复杂高级一点

perlin 发表于 2013-9-10 21:09
又看到这个题目了...文章raw score大致在3.5左右，观点明确读起来蛮顺口的。
另外，2点小建议——

额，如果我想搞到4分的话，这几天改如何加强？背一下同意替换行不？

fang_wu 发表于 2013-9-10 21:27
额，如果我想搞到4分的话，这几天改如何加强？背一下同意替换行不？

嗯，短期内要考试的话是个好办法，另外也可以多搜罗一点和科技、环保等等话题的英文素材

BTW那个raw score只是我自己的estimation，仅作参考

perlin 发表于 2013-9-10 22:50
嗯，短期内要考试的话是个好办法，另外也可以多搜罗一点和科技、环保等等话题的英文素材

BTW那个raw s ...

恩，好的，感谢！