托福作文求狠批，越狠越好。字数482

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

There is a fixed sense that studying is our first priority has cultivated in almost everyone. Thus, classes and libraries get the most important status and the most generous support in finance in most of universities. Although that is reasonable, the sports and social activities also play indispensable roles in student life and deserve equal economic support.

First of all, robust body is the fundamental of almost every students. Without a health body, there is not consecutive physical motivation that support student to do learn. For example, I used to study from day to night and without do any other things unnecessary for a month when I was a first-year college student because I must pass a significant exam. Although I made it finally, I got a serious illness after that experience and my doctor told me that the cause of the illness is lacking of enough exercises. Because whatever we do, we need our body to provide power and if there is not enough power, we will get sick. My doctor also suggested that doing sports has the most direct influence in our body, the more sports we have, the more power we will get. Thus, sports are also significant for students.

Secondly, social activities also have meaningful sense themselves like classes and libraries because it can develop our network. As far as we know, human is gregarious. Therefore, a network is indispensable in one life. No matter how excellent you are in an area, your achievement may will not get deserving attention if you have not any network. For instance, my classmate in college used to design an intelligent robot to help people in manufacture and he claimed that the robot is better than most of others robots in same field after testing. However, when he wanted to get some finance aid to produce the robot in large quantity, he found that there were no students and professors knew him and would like to help him because he never attended any social activities and he had not any network as a result. Therefore, social activities also have an indispensable role for students.

To be more specific, although the sports and social activities have the same status with classes and libraries, them are still far from the lather in financial support nowadays. If they do not get the economic support they deserve, the usefulness of them for students is limited. Because if there is not enough money to develop and update what sports and social activities need, such devices and rooms, they will be more and more outdated. Because students are always following the fashion, they may feel boring and will not want to attend the sports and social activities any more. Thus, the same statues for the sports and social activities is are necessary in finance.

In conclusion, the three reasons mentioned above show that sports and social activities deserve the same status and financial support with classes and libraries.

感觉语法错误略多，尤其是名词单复数上。第二段的论点不恰当，network有比吹嘘自己的成就更有用的地方。第三段感觉说的似是而非

Paul.Zhang 发表于 2021-10-28 14:18
感觉语法错误略多，尤其是名词单复数上。第二段的论点不恰当，network有比吹嘘自己的成就更有用的地方。第 ...

感谢建议！
另外想问一下关于第二段的论点，确实network有比吹嘘更有用的地方，但是我想通过“social activities能提高network，network能帮助我们宣传”来表达“social activities很重要”这一论点，感觉好像也合理？