托福作文的问题

某老师说我作文太烂了，没有希望.....我想请地里的大佬们看一下，看看真的是没救了....
题目：
When making major purchase (eg. Car or laptop), our decision can be influenced by different sources of information. Explain how each of the following source of information can influence your decision.
1) recommendations from friends or colleagues
2) information from media (TV, magazines, newspapers)
.--3) recommendations from the sales person in the store

作文：
Nowadays, due to people’s life standard has been improved, people in growing numbers pay attention to how to make a right choice. Some claims recommendations from media would be much helpful, whereas others consider suggestions from the sales person in the store.  However, as far as I am concerned, I think advices from friends or colleagues would exert more influence on my decision.
Why, you may wonder, suggestions from friends or colleagues are more influential? First and foremost, advices from those people are trustful and reliable. As commodity market becoming gloomy and competition becoming fierce, merchants who want to sustain their life are grappling with how to get profit. Those merchants, without any doubt, aren’t care about consumers’ beneficial, since they just want to earn as much as money. Thus, their suggestions are more likely to entice shopper pay more money as so to get more profit from a certain commodity. In contrast, friends and colleagues are not care about which product you will purchase, owing to whichever product you buy they wouldn’t have any access to earn money from it. As a result, they comment is bound to be reality and objective. Therefore, you could make a right decision by those authentic informations which get from your friends and colleagues. Thus, from the angle of how to get real informations, I personally suggest that chose friends and colleague as the source of information must be a wisely option.
In addition, friends and colleagues could give us a more suitable advice. Comparing with media and sales person, our friends are more likely to have a deeper understanding of us. Consequently, they will list characteristics which have the capacity to meet our current needs. As a result, we can more quickly find the commodity that is suitable for us. On the contrary, salesmen and media are strangers to us. Obviously, we and those people cannot have a deep communication to each other. Therefore, they can’t give us the best choice. For example, at one time, I thought my phone seemly lack a phone case. However, I didn’t know how to call it. So, I came to a store, and I describe it to them. To my surprise, those salesmen can’t understand what I am saying, and I was disappointed. When I met Tom, I describe it to him, and he immediately realizes what I am saying. So, he told me what it is and which store has the best one.
It is true that friends view, at some times, would be too narrow to couldn’t help you make a right decision. However, as long as we consult more friends, the problem above would be perfectly solved. From what has been discussed above, I draw a conclusion that chose friends and colleagues as a source of information is a wisely choice, owing to it not only can give you authentic informations but also give us a more suitable advice.

liu695919451 发表于 2018-7-23 19:17
我也没怎么用啊，第一段不是引出，反方观点，我方观点么……这只是一个写作模式，然后都说模版....我也很 ...

那就试试别的写作模式吧，用这个模式的人太多了(e.g, Some... others...)，考官估计都看麻木了

tongwu_2020 发表于 2018-7-22 23:41
模版还是少用吧，看起来不舒服，作文多多努力很有机会

我也没怎么用啊，第一段不是引出，反方观点，我方观点么……这只是一个写作模式，然后都说模版....我也很无奈

作文写的大概就这样，有什么比较重要的问题希望大家不吝赐教。我只感觉作文没那么难吧，我也觉得我也就只能写成这样了。不知道是不是真的没救，很方......

. check 1point3acres for more.
这文章确实有很多问题, 但是不要灰心,我觉得还是有希望

模版还是少用吧，看起来不舒服，作文多多努力很有机会

没有很差但是看得出来基本功有点问题，平时多注意语法，还有逻辑

皮哥不会失学 发表于 2018-7-22 23:56
没有很差但是看得出来基本功有点问题，平时多注意语法，还有逻辑

那该怎么办呢……

gabrilies 发表于 2018-7-22 23:30
这文章确实有很多问题, 但是不要灰心,我觉得还是有希望

有办法拯救么

liu695919451 发表于 2018-7-23 19:15
有办法拯救么

我的建议是先不慌写很多，可以研究一下高分作文的套路总结一下