机经作文求改求估分

1.求好心人从语法逻辑词句丰富等角度进行评价
2.求估分。
3.不需要留面子。
4.我刚刚开始弄作文，但是824首战了，求意见。
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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Colleges or Universities should
offer more courses to prepare students for the future before they start working.

There is no doubt that obtaining more knowledge will do go to one’s future. But, it seems that people always have a misconception: the more course a student take, the more knowledge which is useful for his career he will get. As an undergraduate, I object to the idea because taking too many courses means little or even nothing for a student’s future.

Firstly, it is undeniable that majoring in a specific field for four years do satisfy what a student needs for his future work. For example, as a employee in a Tencent, a well known IT company in China, I can guarantee that all the knowledge we need in programming can be learned in the first three year in college, let alone some people do not find a job that is unrelated to their major. What’s more, as we all know that one of the four years in university are arranged to find a practice job in a company to gain working experience. What the fact shows is that three years is enough for a student to absorb what he need. Otherwise, the learning time will be lengthened to ensure their time to take the courses.

In addition, spending more time in gathering experience for work is more valuable than spending time in taking more courses. As we all know that, knowledge like how to form a firm relationship with your customer, how to cooperate with your teammates, how to solve the challenge you face in your life, can not be obtained by taking courses. what’s more, such knowledge usually determine our career. For instance, Bill Gates dropped up in college, found the Microsoft and finally become the wealthiest man in the world. Jobs dropped too, found Apple, a world-renown company, and changed the world by his product. Though only a few courses they have taken in university, it doesn’t matter for they can be obtained in the society, however, their experience and chances that they get in the market, can never be learned in the courses.

In a word, there is no need for an undergraduate to take more courses, what he should do is to grow in the society by learning something can not be gained in the courses. therefore, that’s the reason why I refute the idea of taking more classes in the university.

怎么都没人来评呢。为什么呢。为什么呢。

415221196 发表于 2013-8-15 21:45
怎么都没人来评呢。为什么呢。为什么呢。

别急 今天没有 明天也会有的...还好几天呢 先继续写着

1、不好意思我没有什么估分经验。2、楼主的用词还是比较丰富的。但是在主谓一致这个语法点上多次犯了错误，这个是需要注意的。
3、不好意思得赶紧睡觉了，明天要早起，今天只能帮忙改到这个份上了。
4、我的修改可能也改错了，如果有错误请海涵。



QUOTE:

There is no doubt that obtaining more knowledge will do go to one’s future(will do go to...没有太看懂是什么意思啊。楼主想说"掌握更多的知识"会"go to one's future"还是"更多的知识"会"go to one's future"？). But(如果用逗号隔开，是不是用However更合适一些："However, it seems..."，或者就是"But it seems..."), it seems that people always have a misconception: the more course a student take, the more knowledge which is useful for his career he will get. As an undergraduate, I object to the idea because taking too many courses means little or even nothing for a student’s future.
(对倒数第二句话的修订：However, it seems that {many | a lot of | a large number of} people have a misconception: the more courses a student takes, the more knowledge which is useful for his career he will get.
原因：
1. 我认为"people always have ..."这样的表述过于绝对，就成了"(所有的)人们总是有一个误解..."。一般而言，托福有一类写作题目就是问是否同意某个被过于绝对化描述的观点，且这种绝对化的观点就是等着被批判的。所以建议这里使用更缓和的表述：“有很多人有一个误解...”。不然考官在读到过于绝对化的描述是心里可能偷偷一乐：啊~同学~那可不一定哟~
2. 有一些我认为的语法错误标注出来了。楼主对照一下原文。
3. 这里还有一个地方我没有改但我有疑惑：我看了一些范文，都是充分政治正确的，凡是涉及到性别的地方都是he or she, his or her等等……但我想不这样写应该也OK吧……
)

Firstly, it is undeniable that majoring in a specific field for four years do(does, 因为"majoring in"是单数) satisfy what a student needs for his future work. For example, as a(an) employee in a(不需要a，Tencent是专有名词，不需要用任何冠词修饰) Tencent, a well known IT company in China, I can guarantee that all the knowledge we need in programming can be learned in the first three year(years) in college, let alone some people do not find a job that is unrelated to their major(这句没有读懂啊…我也没有读懂let alone前后两个句子的逻辑). What’s more, as we all know that one of the four years in university are(is, 因为"one of the four years"就是一个year) arranged to find a practice job in a company to gain working experience. What(改成"... experience, what the fact...", 因为"as we all know"是一个条件分句，如果在前面用句号结尾，会造成一句话没有主句的语法错误) the fact shows is that three years is(are, 因为three years是复数。我猜楼主想把"three years"看做一个整体？但应该有更好的表达方式) enough for a student to absorb what he need(needs). Otherwise, the learning time will be lengthened to ensure their time to take the courses.

In addition, spending more time in gathering experience for work is more valuable than spending time in taking more courses(建议改成"spending more time in gathering experience ... is more valuable than taking more courses"). As we all know that(上一段不远处使用了as we all know，这里再用稍显重复，建议变换一下), knowledge like how to form a firm relationship with your customer(用customers比较合适？), how to cooperate with your teammates, how to solve the challenge(challenges比较合适？) you face in your life, can not be obtained by taking courses. what’s more("What's more"，同样也建议变换一下), such knowledge usually determine(determines) our career. For instance, Bill Gates dropped up in college, found the(去掉the，因为Microsoft是专有名词) Microsoft and finally become(时态不一致，前面是过去时这里应该也是过去时) the wealthiest man in the world. Jobs(建议用全名Steve Jobs，就像我们一般不只用Gates一样) dropped too, found Apple, a world-renown company, and changed the world by his product. Though only a few courses they have taken(only提前到句首时需要使用倒装句式，所以应该是only a few courses had they taken...。同时注意时态：二位大佬上完他们仅有的几门大学课程是在过去的某个时间点之前就完成的事情，故应该用过去完成时) in university, it doesn’t matter for(下面细说) they(指代有歧义：可以指代Bill & Steve这二位大神，也可能指代前一句中提到的"a few courses"，虽然通过后面的被动语态可以判断出是第二种，但不要让考官做过多的脑力劳动了吧...建议改成"these courses"以明确指代对象) can be obtained in the society, however(这里应该是However吧，直接起一个新句子了), their experience and chances that they get(got，因为经验和机会是他们过去就得到的) in the market, can never be learned in the courses.

(“建立稳固的客户关系”、“与同事金诚合作”等，我认为更像是一种capability而不是knowledge，所以建议中间部分改成："... capabilities like how to form a firm relationship..., cooperate with your teammates, solve the challenges...  What's more, such capabilities usually determine our career.")


(关于for: 我认为文章这里的for是要表达“因为”之意。但是for在表达“因为”的时候是一个连词，而不是介词，需要连接一个原因状语从句起到对原因的补充说明，并且好像一般会使用逗号将for引导的从句和主句隔开。我不敢说用逗号隔开是必须的，但似乎我看的很多文章中都是这样用的。可以参考韦氏词典：http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/for 中的例子。
所以如果这里非要用for，我觉得就得写成这样了："Though only a few courses ..., it doesn't matter, for these courses can be ..."，但这样主句"it doesn't matter"似乎过于简短，从句过于复杂，有点头重脚轻了……)

In a word, there is no need for an undergraduate to take more courses, what(这是另一个独立句子，故要首字母大写，且前一个句子要用句号结束) he should do is to grow in the society by learning something (此处加which/that引导定语从句) can not be gained in the courses. therefore(Therefore), that’s the reason why I refute the idea of taking more classes in the university.

(不确定的一个地方：《十天突破新托福ESSAYS》这本书中作者说"in a word"后面只能接一个单词，例如"The dinner I had in that restaurant is, in a word, awful!"。我在这里看到的一个帖子：http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/102974/in-a-word-vs-in-a-sentence/102982 的回复总有认为in a word后面可以接多个词，但也有回复似乎间接说只能接一个词。还需要更多查证。)

附：冠词的用法(可以看一下里面不适用冠词的一些情形)：http://www.tesoon.com/a/05/21174.htm

Ror 发表于 2013-8-15 23:35
1、不好意思我没有什么估分经验。2、楼主的用词还是比较丰富的。但是在主谓一致这个语法点上多次犯了错误， ...

谢谢层主的意见。

今天想了想，觉得Bill Gates和Steve Jobs的例子似乎对于论证题目不太妥当，主要在于他们两个的例子有点小众化，毕竟通过辍学然后成功的例子还是较少的，所以用小众化的例子来支持“大学不需要开设更多课程”似乎有些不够有力。

我个人觉得小众化的例子比较适合用于否定一些表述较绝对的观点，例如如果观点说“学生必须上完大学的所有课程才可能在未来的工作中取得成功”，那么他们两个的例子就再合适不过了。

Ror 发表于 2013-8-16 21:44
今天想了想，觉得Bill Gates和Steve Jobs的例子似乎对于论证题目不太妥当，主要在于他们两个的例子有点小众 ...

有道理啊亲。

改完了才发现已经有很详细的点评了，不过反正我已经改过了，还是把修改的结果发上来吧。
修改主要在语法，关于观点，可能和lz语法使用方面有关，给人感觉太绝对化，这方面因为时间原因我没细看，个人感觉lz可以多充实一下自己的观点和论证
另外lz语法确实要下点功夫

It’s common sense that obtaining more knowledge will benefit one’s future career. But (一般but不用逗号隔开吧) it seems that people always have a misconception: the more courses a student takes, the more knowledge which is useful for his career he will get. As an undergraduate, I object to the idea because I think taking too many courses means little or even nothing for a student’s future.
(第一句lz用了no doubt，给人感觉好像lz支持这个观点，最后一句又object，有点矛盾的感觉，no doubt改成common sense会比较好)

Firstly, it is undeniable that majoring in a specific field for four years does give students’ what they need in their future work. For example, as an employee in (公司名之前不用加冠词) Tencent, a well-known IT company in China, I can guarantee that all the knowledge we need in programming can be learned in the first three year in college, let alone some people do not find a job that is unrelated to their major (没懂这句话的意思). What’s more, as we all know, in the last year of the university, we are arranged to find a practice job in a company to gain working experience. The fact is that three years are enough for a student to absorb enough knowledge. Otherwise, the learning time will be lengthened so that they have more time to take the courses, which is not necessary.

In addition, time used for gathering experience for work is more valuable than that for taking more courses. As we all know, knowledge like how to form a firm relationship with your customers, how to cooperate with your teammates and how to confront the challenge you face in your life, cannot be obtained by taking courses. What’s more, such knowledge usually determines our career. For instance, Bill Gates dropped out in college, founded the Microsoft and finally became the wealthiest man in the world. Jobs dropped out too, founded Apple, a world-renown company, and changed the world by his products. Though only a few courses they have taken in university, it doesn’t matter for they can be obtained in the society (没读懂，这句话有问题), (有though不要用but，however之类) their experience and chances that they get in the market, can never be learned in the courses.

In a word, there is no need for an undergraduate to take more courses, what he should do is to grow in the society by learning something that cannot be gained in the courses. Therefore, that’s the reason why I refute the idea of taking more classes in the university.

另外这是我的同题作文，交流交流意见。http://www.1point3acres.com/bbs/ ... mp;extra=#pid938397

smellycat 发表于 2013-8-17 20:42
改完了才发现已经有很详细的点评了，不过反正我已经改过了，还是把修改的结果发上来吧。
修改主要在语法， ...

I can guarantee that all the knowledge we need in programming can be learned in the first three year in college, let alone some people do not find a job that is unrelated to their major (没懂这句话的意思).   
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已经有两个战友说了这个问题，其实以下是本人想表达的意思：我能保证编程所需要的所有知识都能再大学前三年里面学完，更不用说那些工作跟大学专业不对口的人了。
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为什么难懂了？是哪里问题了？

smellycat 发表于 2013-8-17 20:42
改完了才发现已经有很详细的点评了，不过反正我已经改过了，还是把修改的结果发上来吧。
修改主要在语法， ...

还有这个：
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it doesn’t matter for they can be obtained in the society (没读懂，这句话有问题), (有though不要用but，however之类)
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意思：这没有关系，因为他们能够在社会中学到。（为啥读不懂？）