托福独立写作--352--是否现代比过去更容易保持健康

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

Health is quiet important for us, as it almost the foundamental of all the activities, then when it comes to maintaining good healthy, some people believe nowadays' good medical condition could contribete to a better body condition, however, I am prone to deem that in the past, people are easier to maintain good health.
First of all, in the past, the pollution is not as  serious as today. With the boom of technolegy, a variety of environmental challenges, such as, acid rain, ozon depletion, greenhouse effect,have been presented infront us.How could we be more healthy at a circumstance like this? These issues are, ademittly, dangerous to us.A example which can aptly illustrate this point would be the skin disease caused by violant-rax. Since the ozon deplation is geting more and more serious, more virolent-rax could contact skin ,as a consequence, people may have a skin cancer.So in the past people could not suffer from this case.
Furthermore, the work in the past are not as firce as today. Nowadays the pressure out of society are increasing, as a consequence, people have to work harder to get the same amount of wealth as it was in the past, we have to get up early and stay up  until we finish the work, even, some people have to pull after the time they eat lunch or dinner.So I think poeple in the past could matain good health in a more relax atmosphere.
Last but not least, the unusual climate of the planet could make us difficult to keep good health. Since the unpredicable and extreme climate have beening occuring in recent years, many people cannot adjust such climate and get sick which could make us vulnerable, and disturb our normal life, let alone keeping health.
To sum up, on the basis of the above analysis, we can safely conclude that nowadays people are harder to maintain good health than people in the past.AS a consequence, we have to to more exercises and take other measures to keep healthy.

Health is quiet important for us. As [要断句……introduction用一句话来开头是看起来很痛苦的事情……] [it almost……这个去掉会比较好。加这个句子少动词，干脆就当做短语用好了……] the fundamental [foundamental] of all the activities, [then删除会好一点儿……] when it comes to maintain [maintaining，to do] good healthy, some people believe nowadays' good medical condition could contribute [contribete] to a better body condition;[,两个simple sentence放在一起用分号隔离] however, I am prone to deem that in the past, people are easier to maintain good health for three reasons, [这里几个单词总结一下三个body paragraph然后丢上来].

First of all, in the past, the pollution is not as [淡定……这里有两个空格了……] serious as today [我记得as后面也是跟从句把……]. With the boom of technology [technology], a variety of environmental challenges, such as, acid rain, ozone [ozon] depletion, greenhouse effect, [少空格] have been presented in [少空格] front us. [少空格]How could we be more healthy at a circumstance like this? These issues are, adamantly [ademittly], dangerous to us. [少空格]A example which can aptly illustrate this point would be the skin disease caused by ultraviolet [violant-rax……没能理解，UV紫外线？]. Since the ozone [ozon] depletion [deplation] is geting more and more serious, more ultraviolet [violant-rax] could contact skin[空格地方不对], as a consequence, people may have a skin cancer, [少空格，so是compound sentence，用逗号分格就好]so in the past people could not suffer from this case.
. 1point 3 acres
Furthermore, the work in the past is [are] not as fierce [firce] as today [同样，as后面跟从句]. Nowadays the pressure out of society are increasing. Consequently, [as a consequence，as a consequence用过了，用其他的代替会比较好然后这里也给断句了……], people have to work harder to get the same amount of wealth as it was in the past, and [simple sentences放在一起不用分号隔开就用连接词吧……] we have to get up early and stay up late [多出一个空格，然后和前面并列的话还是多一个late看起来好看点……]until we finish the work, even, some people have to pull after the time they eat lunch or dinner. [少空格，同样的问题，so不能放在句首] Therefore, [So] I think people [poeple] in the past could maintain [matain] good health in a more relax atmosphere.

Last but not least, the unusual climate of the planet could make us difficult to keep good health. Since the unpredictable [unpredicable] and extreme climate have occurred [beening occuring，现在完成不是have+过去分词么……]. In [in……这里断句吧……] recent years, many people cannot adjust such climate and get sick which could make us vulnerable, and disturb our normal life, let alone keeping health.

To sum up, on the basis of the above analysis, we can safely conclude that nowadays people are harder to maintain good health than people in the past. [少空格]As a result [AS a consequence，前面用过了，换了个代替╮(╯▽╰)╭], we have to do [to……do么？] more exercises and take other measures to keep healthy.
感觉sentences之间的时态不太一致……而且很多情况下，断句看起来会舒服一些……

之后是tips来自于美国的英语老师的，说是在写formal essay的时候不要用could, would之类的不确定单词还有be动词，直接用动词会比较好。
然后就是缺少examples作为支撑……

说起来总有一种第一段和第三段在某种意义上也重复了，换用其他的例子的话不会显得那么单调的感觉……毕竟感觉unhealth除了外因之外还能有内因介绍吧……例如说人们倾向于吃垃圾食品啊，或者大家渐渐的都变成了couch potato，然后高科技又促进couch potato一个个的快速生根发芽，死在沙发里就永远都爬不出来了……


Simple sentence, complex sentence和conpound sentence的用法不太对……这种解释起来有点麻烦，撸主可以翻翻看语法书，总觉得这个点扣分比较厉害……


最后的最后……不知道为什么总觉得撸主的文字数不够……


总结一下就是：Intro和conclusion其实是可以换着花样把body paragraph的三个点总结一下丢进这两段的……这样的话字数至少可以再加50，然后第三段也太单调了，换个方向写的话应该可以再加一些字数，还有如果增加examples的话也会好一点儿……举例不一定要有详细的数据，用身边的朋友啊，或者是丢一些所谓的“众所周知”的例子就好了……尽管说托福作文不考虑字数，不过那是在大牛能够在百多个单词之内把一篇论文的重点全都涵盖……例如说我这种平常人还是用字数凑到400左右看起来才不会太单调。

十分感谢你！都这么久了，还愿意帮我改，看来我得继续开始了，再次感谢你！

songcaoxian 发表于 2014-4-27 20:47
十分感谢你！都这么久了，还愿意帮我改，看来我得继续开始了，再次感谢你！

看到就改啦、、、撸主加油呢