写了篇托福的独立写作，求吐槽求建议

自己写作一直一般，刚刚写了篇，希望各位大大给个建议～
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students can get as many benefits from organization or club activities as they can get from their academic studies.


Could you imagine that you attend a university that only has organizations or clubs, because the university faculty believes that students benefit equal things from academic study and club activities? Although participating in club activities is an efficient way to establish social network and strengthen the ability of communication, for me, academic study plays an irreplaceable role in college student’s lives. I will explain by the following reasons.

First of all, academic study is the basis to support the improvement of our society. Because nowadays almost every kind of technology is generated by academic study, they finally improve every part of our lives. For instance, before the innovation of mobile phone, the fastest way to send message is telegraph. For ordinary people, they need to afford the expensive cost and minimize the words they want to send. By the knowledge of analog signal, which is found in lab by academic study, mobile phone was invented and immediately became the most efficient way to communication. But if we just attend clubs and share our cliché, no improvement and no change will occur in the future.

Additional, the main responsibility of a school is to develop a student’s academic ability. The goal of most students attend university is to be competitive for jobs. After obtaining a specific college degree by academic study, students will be easily employed by companies. For example, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite. With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job. However, if students are just addicted by club activities, few of them could earn a degree.

Finally, students will get the similar ability by club activities and by working in a company. In activities, students exchange ideas, talk to each other, and finally establish their own social network, all of which they can also earn after working in a company. For example, as a member of an engineering club, a student usually makes a presentation about his project, showing ideas and sharing experience. After he get a job as an engineer or salesman, the main job will be similar—show the advantages of the production and praise it. Therefore, even though a student does not obtain the skill before, after working, he must be familiar with such ability.

To recap, I do not deny that club activities for students are of importance. This is a significant factor that enriches students’ experience. However, this is only one side of the equation for their future success; the other side is of course that logic and critical thought through academic study school offers.

Personal preference would be like this...

Paragraph 1: Could you imagine a situation, where you attend...,because the university faculty believes that students would benefit equally from academic study and club activities?...an efficient way to establish social network and hone communication skills....in college students' lives... I will elaborate on my reasons step by step.

Paragraph 3: ... The goal of most students enrolled at universities...However, if students are just addicted to club activities,...

Paragraph 4: ...all of which can also be earned after working... After he gets a job...will be similar—to show the advantages...
Paragraph 5that logic and critical thought which academic study school offers.

补充内容 (2013-9-5 23:46):
Sorry. Paragraph 5: that logic and critical thought which academic study school offers.

JustForR 发表于 2013-9-5 23:46
Personal preference would be like this...

Paragraph 1: Could you imagine a situation, where you a ...

感谢大神！求对文章的整体评价。。。

kuerii 发表于 2013-9-6 12:51
感谢大神！求对文章的整体评价。。。

...小的不是大神...我觉得挺好的，不过有两点还可以再修改一下：
1. 第一条理由可以说得更清楚一些。既然是参加clubs不能获得与studies相同益处的理由，你这里说第一，academic study是社会进步的基础，就显得有些答非所问啦。其实意思是好的，表述上可以改进一下。比如这样说：第一，因为academic study带来创新，为个人和社会发展提供的正能量是没有办法通过参加酒会、搞搞活动提供的。就显得扣题些啦。
2.每一部分可以再加些简短有力的小例子。我觉得托福的作文评分还是有参考字数因素（充实度）的，我考试的时候觉得独立写作写得逻辑很混乱，但是垒了挺多concrete details，最后分数还挺好。所以适当充实一点也是好的。可以举自己，举身边的例子嘛，比较好编...
考试好运哈！

JustForR 发表于 2013-9-6 20:04
...小的不是大神...我觉得挺好的，不过有两点还可以再修改一下：
1. 第一条理由可以说得更清楚一些。既然 ...

小例子啊，其实论点都很好像，就是例子难想，不过确实是一个问题。谢谢大神哦

kuerii 发表于 2013-9-6 23:12
小例子啊，其实论点都很好像，就是例子难想，不过确实是一个问题。谢谢大神哦

唔 平时可以看看新闻、美剧积累素材。直接拿自己举例蛮好用的，I once attended a blah-blah club and learned how to make cocktails while in class I learned the physical principles behind those stunning mixtures...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students can get as many benefits from organization or club activities as they can get from their academic studies.


Could you imagine that you attend a university that only has consists of organizations or clubs, because the university faculty believes that students can benefit equal equally things from academic study and club activities? Although participating in club activities is an efficient way to establish social network and strengthen the ability of improve communication skills, for me, academic study plays an irreplaceable role in college student’s students’ lives. I will explain this by the following reasons.

First of all, academic study is a driving force the basis to support in the improvement of our society. Because nowadays almost every kind of technology is generated by comes from academic study, they finally improve every part of our lives. which lead a final change of our ife style. For instance, before the innovation of mobile phone, the fastest way to send message is telegraph. For ordinary people, they need to afford the expensive cost and minimize the words as possibly as they could if they want to send a telegraph. By the knowledge of analog signal, which is found in lab by academic study, mobile phone was invented and immediately became the most efficient way to in communication. But if we just attend clubs and share our cliché, no improvement and no change will occur in the future less improvement or changes will be made in the future.

Additional, the main responsibility of a school is to develop a student’s academic ability. The goal of most students attend (attending or to attend)university is to be become more competitive for in jobs. After obtaining a specific college degree by academic study, students will be easily employed by companies. For example, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite. With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job. However, if students are just addicted by club activities, few of them could earn a degree.

Finally, students will can get the similar ability by club activities and by working in a company. In activities, students exchange ideas, talk to each other, and finally establish their own social network, all of which they can also earn after working in a company. For example, as a member of an engineering club, a student usually makes a presentation about his project, showing ideas and sharing experience. After he get a job as an engineer or salesman, the main job will be similar—show the advantages of the production and praise it. Therefore, even though a student does not obtain the skill before, after working, he must would be familiar with such ability.

To recap, I do not deny that club activities for students are of importance. This is a significant factor that enriches students’ experience. However, this is only one side of the equation for their future success; the other side is of course that logic and critical thought through academic study school offers.

hdchina2010
2013-09-07