一篇独立写作，求各位大神吐槽评价

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students can get as many benefits from organization or club activities as they can get from their academic studies.


Could you imagine that you attend a university that only has organizations or clubs, because the university faculty believes that students benefit equal things from academic study and club activities? Although participating in club activities is an efficient way to establish social network and strengthen the ability of communication, for me, academic study plays an irreplaceable role in college student’s lives. I will explain by the following reasons.

First of all, academic study is the basis to support the improvement of our society. Because nowadays almost every kind of technology is generated by academic study, they finally improve every part of our lives. For instance, before the innovation of mobile phone, the fastest way to send message is telegraph. For ordinary people, they need to afford the expensive cost and minimize the words they want to send. By the knowledge of analog signal, which is found in lab by academic study, mobile phone was invented and immediately became the most efficient way to communication. But if we just attend clubs and share our cliché, no improvement and no change will occur in the future.

Additional, the main responsibility of a school is to develop a student’s academic ability. The goal of most students attend university is to be competitive for jobs. After obtaining a specific college degree by academic study, students will be easily employed by companies. For example, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite. With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job. However, if students are just addicted by club activities, few of them could earn a degree.

Finally, students will get the similar ability by club activities and by working in a company. In activities, students exchange ideas, talk to each other, and finally establish their own social network, all of which they can also earn after working in a company. For example, as a member of an engineering club, a student usually makes a presentation about his project, showing ideas and sharing experience. After he get a job as an engineer or salesman, the main job will be similar—show the advantages of the production and praise it. Therefore, even though a student does not obtain the skill before, after working, he must be familiar with such ability.

To recap, I do not deny that club activities for students are of importance. This is a significant factor that enriches students’ experience. However, this is only one side of the equation for their future success; the other side is of course that logic and critical thought through academic study school offers.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students can get as many benefits from organization or club activities as they can get from their academic studies.

Could you imagine that you attend a university that only has organizations or clubs, because the university faculty believes that students benefit equal things from academic study and club activities? Although participating in club activities is an efficient way to establish social network and strengthen the ability of communication, for me, academic study plays an irreplaceable role in college student’s(students’) lives. I will explain (缺乏宾语)by the following reasons.

First of all, academic study is the basis to support the improvement of our society. Because nowadays almost every kind of technology is generated by（from会好一点） academic study, they finally improve every part of our lives. For instance, before the innovation of mobile phone, the fastest way to send message is telegraph. For ordinary people, they need to afford the expensive cost and minimize the words they want （这个时候得是过去时吧）to send. By the knowledge of analog signal, which is found in lab by academic study, mobile phone was invented and immediately became the most efficient way to communication. But if we just attend clubs and share our cliché（请问楼主，你的这个é是怎么打出来的？教教我）, no improvement and no change will occur in the future。（这句改成问句好的---what if they just attend clubs ?）

Additional, the main responsibility of a school is to develop a student’s academic ability. The goal of most students attend university is to be competitive for jobs. (缺乏联系词，so that)After obtaining a specific college degree by academic study, students will be easily employed by companies. For example, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite.（这里再补充一句是由于研究学术而造成的，会更切题） With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job. However, if students are just addicted by club activities, few of them could earn a degree.

Finally, students will get the similar ability by club activities and by working in a company. In activities, students exchange ideas, talk to each other, and finally establish their own social network, all of which they can also（be earned） earn after working in a company. For example, as a member of an engineering club, a student usually makes a presentation about his project, showing ideas and sharing experience. After he get a job as an engineer or salesman, the main job will be similar—show the advantages of the production and praise it. Therefore, even though a student does not obtain the skill before, after working, he must be familiar with such ability.（熟悉这种能力，不太顺耳，capture such ability）

To recap, I do not deny that club activities for students are of importance. This is a significant factor that enriches students’ experience. However, this is only one side of the equation for their future success; the other side is ，of course ，that logic and critical （thinking）thought through academic study school offers.

songcaoxian 发表于 2013-9-6 00:23
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students can get as many benefits from organi ...

感谢修改！！！！想求一下对我写的整体评价，因为自己不清楚自己写作到底怎么样，直接说，我承受能力好

kuerii 发表于 2013-9-6 12:50
感谢修改！！！！想求一下对我写的整体评价，因为自己不清楚自己写作到底怎么样，直接说，我承受能力好

那我就说说“整体”上的情况好了。LZ的文章长度尚可，分论点清晰，开头段的极端化说理很有新意！Raw score应该略低于4分

一是偶尔出现Chinglish的表达，有些句子感觉是中国人说的话直接翻译过去的，比如——"Because nowadays almost every kind of technology is generated by academic study, they finally improve every part of our lives."这句话本来很漂亮，但是大B打头的句子暴露了中文的说话习惯“一个道理句+这是因为blah blah...”直接去掉because即可；

二是每段中，LZ可能措辞有点偏简单，建议多用TOEFL甚至GRE词汇。e.g. “生活的每个方面"这个词LZ用的是“every parts of our lives”，parts和lives两个词都出现单复数错用，会给作文减印象分，不妨改成"each aspect of our daily life";"the fastest way"改成"the most efficient approach/method"; "the main responsibility of a school is to develop a student’s academic ability."改成"the major function/obligation of an educational institution is to better a student's disciplinary capabilities."

三是第2段谈论的是学术对于社会的影响，第3、4段阐释对于个人的影响，先大后小。最好对调第2、4段的顺序，先小后大

perlin 发表于 2013-9-6 16:12
那我就说说“整体”上的情况好了。LZ的文章长度尚可，分论点清晰，开头段的极端化说理很有新意！Raw sc ...

赞。我之前的写作一直是Fair，但主要是其实也没大准备，硬着头皮上考场的，很多用句都是习惯化了。看了评价瞬间清醒了。也就是说文章逻辑性上还行，主要是细节句型还有用词的问题。这方面得加强厄