鸡精鸡精小学生该不该学艺术音乐~~

Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history.

Children’s education is an issue that people, especially their parents, have always been concerned about. Recently, a question arises: is it necessary for children to learn art and music apart from math language, science and history. Surprisingly, some individuals claim that students, who ages five to ten, should study art and music. From my perspective, however, it is obviously an unproper policy to require those young school children to study art and music, for their heavy study load and immature psychological and physical condition.

To begin with, students, whose age are between five and ten, have already suffered a lot from the heavy tasks of school work. To be specific, those students have to take eight hours’ class, and will be assigned a large number of homeworks, which may take them two hours’ leisure time at home. According to a report published in China Daily, children in China have been occupied ten hours in average by study everyday, which causes a little or even no time left for children to play out after school. Thus, the heavy study burden children sustain is already overburdened, if more tasks are assigned to the children, such as learning art and music, the result will no doubt turn out to be disappointment.

In addition to heavy work load children bear now, immature psychological and physical condition of children do not allow more work to be taken by them. As we all know, children in primary school is in the phrase of developing both their body and mind. Children of this phrase usually have to sleep up to 12 hours everyday, which leaves only 12 hours a day for them, if they employ all of them to study, to do other things. Since they are so young that they are not able to master skills of effective learning, mere 12 hours may not be sufficient for them to study all these subjects, including art, music, math language, science and history. Under this circumstance, adding art and music to children’s study schedule is definitely irrational.

Admittedly, studying art and music is of great help for one’s development. It cultivates one’s imagination; it broadens one’s horizon; it makes one smarter. However, those benefits studying art and music may bring are based on the assumption that children have enough time and energy to concentrate on it. Since math language, science and history occupy most time of children, few time is left for children to learn art and music. Thus, to study art and music, for a kid, may not be that helpful.

To sum up, considering the heavy burden on children’s shoulder and children’s physical and psychological condition, it is rather unproper to force them to learn additional courses like art and music.

Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history.这是一篇JJ作文，比较好写。LZ已经是第二次求批改，这次就改得吹毛求疵一点，见谅。

Children’s education is an issue that people, especially their（这里的their指代可能会出现误会，改成those或者the） parents, have always been concerned about. Recently, a question arises: is it necessary for children to learn art and music apart from math language, science and history. Surprisingly, some individuals claim that students, who ages five to ten, should study art and music. From my perspective, however, it is obviously an unproper policy to require those young school children to study art and music, for their heavy study load and immature psychological and physical condition. 开头段写得中规中矩，“Recently...”这句显得有点僵硬，因为毕竟这个问题也没有在最近被讨论很多。换做我可能会这么写“As many parents today focus on getting their children intrigued in those so-called 'useful' or 'profitable' disciplinaries, such as math, language, science and history, some other begin to hesitate about whether education of aesthetics is critical to kids' full development as well.”

To begin with, students, whose age are between five and ten, have already suffered a lot from the heavy tasks of school work. To be specific, those students have to take eight hours’ class（改成go through an 8-hour-schoolday，不然听起来像是学生上了一节8小时的课）, and will be assigned a large number of homeworks（homework好像是不可数名词，你再考证一下）, which may take them two hours’ leisure time at home（改成take two hours’ leisure time form them）. According to a report published in China Daily, children in China have been occupied ten hours in average by study everyday(改成every day，你可以查下词典everyday和every day的区别), which causes a（a去掉） little or even no time left for children to play out after school. Thus, the heavy study burden children sustain is already overburdened（缩句以后就会发现问题：burden is overburdened）, if more tasks are assigned to the children, such as learning art and music, the result will no doubt turn out to be disappointment(要想语气更有说服力，“disappointment” is not a word strong enough，try "worsening/disaster").

In addition to heavy work load children bear now, immature psychological and physical condition of children do not allow more work to be taken by them. As we all know, children in primary school is in the phrase of developing both their body and mind. Children of this phrase usually have to sleep up to 12 hours（Really?） everyday(改成every day)  , which leaves only 12 hours a day for them(文章到这里为止，这种“一个句子+一个修饰整个句子的定语从句”的句式用得有点太多了，让句式多样化一点吧), if they employ all of them to study, to do other things（可以再说得更specific一点嘛？你刚刚提到小孩的physical condition还不成熟，这里的other things是不是指的是doing sports?）. Since they are so young that they are not able to master skills of effective learning, mere(改成merely) 12 hours may not be sufficient for them to study all these subjects, including art, music, math, language, science and history. Under this circumstance, adding art and music to children’s study schedule is definitely irrational.

Admittedly, studying art and music is of great help for one’s development.It cultivates one’s imagination; it broadens one’s horizon; it makes one smarter. However, those benefits studying art and music may bring are based on the assumption that (哈哈，同学你是不是考过GRE) children have enough time and energy to concentrate on it. Since math, language, science and history occupy most time of children, few time is left for children to learn art and music. Thus, to study art and music, for a kid, may not be that helpful.(仔细推敲一下，这两句之间并没有Thus的关系，可能写作文的时候没时间推敲句子的逻辑关系，但是不要养成随便使用linking words的习惯，这会给你的作文减分)

To sum up, considering the heavy burden on children’s shoulder (其实shoulder是可以用作动词的！可以改成considering the burden children shoulder也许能给你的语言加分哦！)and children’s physical and psychological condition, it is rather unproper to force them to learn additional courses like art and music.


文章总体是OK的，raw score大致不高于4.25分，这次把分论点分开了，讨论了2个分论点，而且分论点本身设置得不错，可是感觉第二个分论点没有充分展开，children的psychological/physical abilities确实不成熟，但是他们不成熟的表现是什么？为什么小孩不成熟就最好不要去学art & music了呢？
还有，好像每段都提到了“孩子们学习任务已经很重了，学习占据了好几个小时了已经，不能再增加负担了”这件事情...考官判得轻的话，会认为是句子重复，判得重会认为你分论点区分不清楚甚至认为你段落间逻辑关系凌乱，这会大减分。

perlin 发表于 2013-9-14 22:30
Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to  ...

其实recently是一个模板的东西 感觉开头很难写 版主有什么好的办法开头么 或者有比较的好的思路么？

ScottShao 发表于 2013-9-15 15:15
其实recently是一个模板的东西 感觉开头很难写 版主有什么好的办法开头么 或者有比较的好的思路么？

如果是网上现成的模板，千！万！不！要！用！会死得很惨

我的想法已经红字写出来了呀~

比较好的思路是指设置分论点的思路么？

perlin 发表于 2013-9-15 19:40
如果是网上现成的模板，千！万！不！要！用！会死得很惨

我的想法已经红字写出来了呀~

不是的 自己想得一个模板
但是感觉写开头很费时间 特别是想背景的话
版主有什么好办法能写背景写的快一点么

ScottShao 发表于 2013-9-16 10:23
不是的 自己想得一个模板
但是感觉写开头很费时间 特别是想背景的话
版主有什么好办法能写背景写的快 ...

背景可以揣摩出题者的意图

拿这道题说，ETS命题人为什么会想出这么个作文题？命题人话外之音是想说什么？
无非是因为命题人先生发现近年来，家长都送小孩子去学/或者敦促小孩子要学好language, science, history了
再细想，家长为什么会这么做？无非这些科目lucrative，方便以后就业；反之art, music就没有那么practical了。于是有了这么一道题目：除了language, science, history以外，还需不要学art, music

于是，你的背景（开头）段就出来了呀。而Recently, a question arises: ......这样的背景就显得有点套话了，虽说不会给你作文减分，但是套话放在开头段还是不建议。

perlin 发表于 2013-9-16 11:49
背景可以揣摩出题者的意图

拿这道题说，ETS命题人为什么会想出这么个作文题？命题人话外之音是想说什 ...

赞 好像有点思路了！！！thq！！

perlin 发表于 2013-9-14 22:30
Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to  ...

版主这里有几个细节问题啊：
disciplinary不是课程哈， discipline才是
some other是一个形容词啊 这里应该用some othershomeworks有复数额。。
还有确实考过gre哈。。。。

ScottShao 发表于 2013-9-17 10:53
版主这里有几个细节问题啊：
disciplinary不是课程哈， discipline才是
some other是一个形容词啊 这里 ...

啊，谢谢指正