独立作文求批求批~~

Success is the ultimate goal that people will exert themselves to achieve. As an increasing number of people begin to discuss the key factors of being successful, some individuals start to hesitate whether ones should behave more like others in order to success. Surprisingly, some individuals claim that being successful requires ones to be distinctive from others rather than be similar with others. From my perspective, however, to meet with success, people should be, instead of different from others, more like others, for fewer chances of being isolated from others and higher possibility to make friends.

To begin with, those who are different from others are usually perceived as weir people and thus are easily isolated from others. There a few people, who wear strange clothes and behave distinctively, around us. And one most obvious common they share is that people are rarely be close to them or even communicate with them. One good case in point is my high school classmate James. When he was in high school, he often worn some unusual clothes while others tended to have uniform. Besides, sometimes he could keep silence whole day even when some others asked him questions. After a while, there is no one in my class who are willing to talk with him. Therefore, being distinctive from others will readily make ones isolated while being more like others will not.

In addition to fewer chances of isolation from group, similarity with surrounding people equip ones the ability to make more friends, the consequence of which is that these people are able to gain more helps in the process of achieving success. It has been said that people sharing similar interests, beliefs, religions are more likely to bridge a friendship. For example, most friends of mine, like Bob, Tim, Jenny, share more or less same interests with me. Bob became my friend due to our love of basketball; Tim and I are both enthusiastic about English; Jenny is a big fan of swimmings, so am I. And it is those friend who offer ones great helps and opportunities in the way toward success. For instance, with the help of Samon and Tom, Mark Zurkberg created Facebook, one of the most popular social network now, and became the youngest millionaire in the world. Accordingly, the similarity with others will no doubt enable ones to make more friends, leading ones to meet with success more easily.

However, some people may not think in the same way. Perhaps they will argue that there are some cases that ones are completely distinctive from others and succeed in the end. It can be seen from the fact that Mark Zrukberg, who do not like most others and is considered as a weird, quiet nerd in college, finally became the CEO of Facebook. However, those cases remains a very tiny fraction of the whole and thus is not representative of the whole situation, which lead me return to to my point that one behaving like others are more likely to succeed.

To sum up, although few cases showing that one may succeed with distinctive behavior from others, given the fewer chances of suffering from isolation and higher likelihood of making more friends, in order to achieve success, ones would better be more like others.

都是用胡平的应急JJ吗？

lillian0 发表于 2013-9-20 20:12
都是用胡平的应急JJ吗？

用的康老师的

看到LZ还在上论坛，然后挖一下坟提一些自己的想法。

LZ措辞用句都没什么问题，不过感觉偏题和重复好严重……

因为LZ没有给例题，所以我只能从LZ的文章猜测题目是什么……

看了开头的intro，我觉得题目是要模仿别人还是独树一帜比较容易成功（上半段的感觉），之后下半段就跳到交朋友上面去了……虽然说托福并不需要什么特别严谨的逻辑，但是作为intro段落，只写一个交朋友感觉……太偏了。intro的话应该是带给读者关于一个论文的大致内容的提要，然后看了LZ的intro觉得更像是body paragraph的开头而不是intro的开头。

第二段就是直白的开门见山，不过不知道LZ有没有注意到……第二段一点儿都没有提及到successful、achievement之类和intro所点出的论题有关联，同理，例子也举得不好。James很自闭，不想理别人，然后别人也不想理他，但是这和成功没有关系吧。如果LZ在第二段的开头点一下题，说是孤立自闭没有朋友会导致心情阴郁然后没有兴趣学习从而学习成绩一路下降，然后再扯同学做例子……毕竟，如果是学生的话，成功不是学习上的就是离开学校自己搞创意公司，然后当上总经理，出任CEO，赢取白富美，走上人生巅峰之类的吧……

第三段和第二段重复的很厉害，基本上就是正反论证……所以个人觉得如果要保留的话，保留一个也就是第三段就够了……毕竟第三段还是和成功有关系的。但是例子也很奇怪，跳tone跳的太厉害了，前一秒钟还在用“我”来举例子证明交朋友和成功还是有关系的，下一秒“我”就已经不见了，然后FB的创始人变成了一个很好的例子（当然， FB例子也的确很不错）。

第四段没有问题，不过再一次用正反论证的话就感觉第二段和第四段是实际上一样的东西……而且这种论证其实很虚（因为没有例子），所以凑字数是挺好的选择，然后也能让文章看起来饱满一点儿……只是……还是那句话，重复的很厉害。另外多说一句，一眼扫扫过去，第四段的however似乎多了一点儿，用Nevertheless、nonetheless，even though代替一下吧╮(╯▽╰)╭

第五段的问题和intro是一样的……不过因为LZ只写了一个点，所以Intro和Conclusion单调也是正常的事情了。

然后就说一下自己的想法。

LZ要写是要独树一帜比较容易成功，还是当和别人share commons比较容易成功的话……因为这个方面比较难写，所以第四段与其重复第二段的内容和重复使用第三段的例子，不如写独树一帜怎么不容易成功，然后再结合第二段的例子写与众不同使同事觉得难以交流，然后命令、创意什么的无法有效的被他人了解和认同，所以有的时候很多好的点子也会流产。

我感觉这个地方的点还是比较难以下手的，所以再写一个段落的话，我会用成功的人也有着相同或者是相似的人格魅力或者是能力。这里要说的话可以用一大把成功的明星来举例子了，最简单的就是很多成功的明星企业家了，利用自己之前打下的基础然后再创办自己的企业，这样的话尽管他们是distinctive的，不过也同样share sth in common了。或者也可以用很多成功人士都是很好的演说家（乔布斯、奥巴马、林肯之流），反正目的就是为了告诉读者，尽管他们在某种程度上来说是非常独特的，但是这些独特的特点却是成功人士普遍的相似之处，因此，学习这些特质能够帮助大家成功。

最后其实也可以提到只有模仿才能创新（成功）……这个例子最好举的应该就是日本的电子产品年了。可以说日本的电子产品基本上没有什么特别……欸……先进新颖（？）的东西，但是他们通过模仿、改造之后，却创造了一个半导体产业上的奇迹，以及世界上现在最发达和成功的半导体产业链之一（应该可以这么说吧……）

虽然也可以说人类模仿了鸟（飞机），蝙蝠（雷达系统），鲨鱼皮（泳衣，08年菲尔普斯的世界纪录啊= =）从而去得某个方位的成功，不过总感觉这个例子很容易写偏……尽管如此还是想和LZ分享下想法。

最后的最后，希望LZ能够圆满的完成TOEFL啦:)