鸡精作文求改 商人重利吗？

abstract：反对
1. 经济利益和无私奉献，不矛盾（每个社会人都最求高收入，商人可以实现经济利益，并同时实现社会价值）
2. 很多商人很无私，乐于促进社会发展（亚马逊平原的造纸厂+李开复创新工场帮助学生创业）
3.确实，有些商人目光短浅+制度不完善，我们应该进一步发展以求良性循环
595字

作文总是最后一段不知道怎么写。。。就是把前面三段的首句copy一下。。。求大神指点一二。。。

This issue is really a complex one, which is fraught with market management and final purpose of business. Some people believe that businesspeople are so anxious for monetary income that they could even regard contribution to society. However, others may hold the opposite opinion that businessman could obtain both pecuniary advantages and social reputation. In my point of view, I prefer the last one because our country have a perfect and entire institution which can ensure the beneficial cycle of business activities. What is more, numerous business companies have aspiration to undertake social responsibility and make unselfish contribution to country.


First, we should clarify a conception that there is no confliction between making monetary income and taking responsibility. I trust that each person in our society is working for money and living on money no matter what type of job he takes. However, the crux is that is the pecuniary income be the only reason for a person to work. For instance, teachers and labors are significant builders for a country, who dedicate themselves in education career and city construction. There is no doubt of their reputation but they also have great eager for high income because a affluent receipt is basic prerequisite for a social person. In this point of view, eagerness of businessman who make profit by transporting information and commodity is logical remand and they can also achieve both increase income and social contribution.


Second, several business companies want take charge of social responsibilities, which means they have great eager to make progress and motivate society development country. Some paper manufacture companies evacuate from Amazon Plain in order to protect ecosphere from destruction. In the background of harsh market competition, they still abandon the pecuniary advantages, because they discern that at cost of destruction of a rain forest or a grass plain to substitute the moderate income is some selfish. What is more, in education field Kaifu. Lee start run his own company, which is called Innovation Works, in order to assist college graduates in pioneering work in the future. I believe that the final goal of Lee is not money but creational and critical thing of young people. As a result, there are lots of businessman, who make promotion of society development, have altruistic spirit of dedication.


Third, I concede that a few businessman, who destroy the logical order of society, have provincial and selfish eager to pursue money. However, I promise that their success and affluence are just ephemeral because reputation is the core competitive power of a company. What is more, the presence of those businessman is also a exposure of our unjustified law system. In order to build rapport and harmony environment of business, our society decision makers should also enact logical law and construct institution to ensure that the money entice is only a motivation of businessman but not the final goal of them. In addition, an active atmosphere of business competition and knowledge of dedication are also two considerable factors in market management. As a result, there have a few flaw in our business system, but I believe we can conquer it by our active attitude.


In this point of view, majority of businessman are have good manner in their career. They manifest great aspiration to accomplish both reputation and monetary income by taking charge of environmental friendly development and society improvement. In my point of view, I do not agree with the statement, because we should not make the assertion, which is related to businessman egoism, just base on a few blamable activities they take.

abstract：反对
1. 经济利益和无私奉献，不矛盾（每个社会人都最求高收入，商人可以实现经济利益，并同时实现社会价值）
2. 很多商人很无私，乐于促进社会发展（亚马逊平原的造纸厂+李开复创新工场帮助学生创业）
3.确实，有些商人目光短浅+制度不完善，我们应该进一步发展以求良性循环
595字 厉害(⊙o⊙)30min里面写出来的嘛？

作文总是最后一段不知道怎么写。。。就是把前面三段的首句copy一下。。。求大神指点一二。。。

. ----This issue is really a complex one, which is fraught with market management and final purpose of business. Some people believe that businesspeople are so anxious for monetary income that they could even regard contribution to society. However, others may hold the opposite opinion that businessman could obtain both pecuniary advantages and social reputation. In my point of view, I prefer the lastlatter one because our country have a perfect and entire institution which can ensure the beneficial cycle of business activities. What is more, numerous business companies have aspiration to undertake social responsibility and make unselfishselfless contribution to country. 这段里的几个contribution都可以用复数


First, we should clarify a conceptionconcept that there is no confliction between making monetary income用词重复 and taking responsibility什么responsibility?作为topic sentence得说清楚. I trust that each person in our society is working for money and living on money no matter what type of job he takes. However, the crux好词 is that is the pecuniary income be the only reason for a person to work.语法错误？ For instance, teachers and labors are significant builders for a country, who dedicate themselves in education career and city construction. 这个例子外国人读了以后应该不会有那么的感同身受，人家并没有颂扬“农民工是城市中辛勤的建设者”的习惯，更何况农民工这个词翻译成labors似乎也是有些问题There is no doubt of their reputation but they also have great eager for high income because an affluent receipt is basic prerequisite for a social person. In this point of view, eagerness of businessman who make profit by transporting information and commodity is logical remand为什么用这个词 and they can also achieve both increase income and social contribution.


Second, several business companies want to take charge of social responsibilities, which means they have great eager to make progress and motivate society development country三个名词连用是个神马情况?. Some paper manufacture companies evacuate fromfrom去掉，这是个及物动词，哪怕是表示“从XXX撤出”的义项也还是用作及物动词 Amazon Plain in order to protect ecosphere光一个亚马逊平原还不足以叫做ecosphere，只能叫ecosystem，生物书上应该有学过 from destruction. In the background of harsh market competition, they still abandon the pecuniary advantages, because they discern that at cost of destruction of a rain forest or a grass plain to substitute the moderate income is some selfish. What is more, in education field Kaifu. Lee滥用标点 starts to run his own companybusiness, which is called Innovation Works, in order to assist college graduates in pioneering work in the future. I believe that the final goal of Lee is not money but creational and critical thing of young people. As a result, there are lots of businessman, who make promotion of society development, have altruistic spirit of dedication.这两个Amazon Plain和李开复的例子举得蛮有新意的


Third, I concede that a few businessmaen, who destroy the logical order of society,“扰乱社会秩序”这种很中国式的词语就不要直译了，听起来怪怪的，而且logical order应该是编程里面“逻辑语句”的意思 have provincial and selfish eager to pursue money. However, I promise that their success and affluence are just ephemeral because reputation is the core competitive power of a company. What is more, the presence of those businessmaen isare also a exposure of our unjustified law system. In order to build rapport and harmony environment of business, our society decision makers should also enact logical law and construct institution to ensure that the money entice is only a motivation of businessman but not the final goal of them. In addition, an active atmosphere of business competition and knowledge of dedication are also two considerable factors in market management. As a result, there have a few flaw in our business system, but I believe we can conquer it by our active attitude.


In this point of view, majority of businessman are have 语法错误good manner in their career. They manifest great aspiration to accomplish both reputation and monetary income by taking charge of environmental friendly development and society improvement. In my point of view, I do not agree with the statement, because we should not make the assertion, which is related to businessman egoism, just base on a few blamable activities they take.
文章字数足够，LZ还是有用心写的。写了abstract，LZ发帖很有诚意，所以我仔仔细细地看下来了
但是有几个大问题：
1. 语法错误略多，还有一些我没有一一标出来，TOEFL作文出现太多语法错误的话，考官/e-rater评分会直接降等级no matter how many GRE words you use.
2. 选词有Chinglish的味道，中国人写英文作文受某党作报告的影响挥之不去，没办法只能自己多读原版外文，逐渐改变自己的文风
3. 选词有点花哨，猜测LZ刚背完再要你命考完G，有的词用得很fancy但是不贴切
4. 请仔细研读TOEFL OG的范文，TOEFL的独写并不是把GRE的Issue搬过来就可以拿高分的。比方说，从你的提纲就可以看出来文章是有一定的复杂逻辑的，但是托福作文考察的是我们的written English的水平，托福作文唯一的“吃香”结构就是总分总，任何的转折、让步、分类讨论、九曲十八弯的逻辑都不能给与你任何的加分

perlin 发表于 2013-11-20 22:59
abstract：反对
1. 经济利益和无私奉献，不矛盾（每个社会人都最求高收入，商人可以实现经济利益，并同时实 ...

针砭时弊，一针见血。。。

perlin 发表于 2013-11-20 22:59
abstract：反对
1. 经济利益和无私奉献，不矛盾（每个社会人都最求高收入，商人可以实现经济利益，并同时实 ...

. ----针砭时弊，一针见血。。。

perlin 发表于 2013-11-20 22:59
abstract：反对
1. 经济利益和无私奉献，不矛盾（每个社会人都最求高收入，商人可以实现经济利益，并同时实 ...

追问一句。看到你也是在申请。推荐信，我始终没有搞明白，我找了很“洋气”的老师，但是在申请时，也没有老师的自我介绍啊，美国研究生院怎么知道这老师很牛？

GRE大神 发表于 2013-11-22 15:35
追问一句。看到你也是在申请。推荐信，我始终没有搞明白，我找了很“洋气”的老师，但是在申请时，也没有 ...

很“洋气”的老师是什么意思:)

有的学校网申系统会让你填推荐者的title什么的
不过自己觉得大陆的一般教课的老师写的RL用途并不大，有用最好了，没有也不用太纠结

perlin 发表于 2013-11-23 11:28
很“洋气”的老师是什么意思:)

有的学校网申系统会让你填推荐者的title什么的

我是说，我有两个留美的授课老师给我写了推荐信，但是只是通过title，美国人怎么知道这些老师是‘牛腿’。我的意思是说，貌似和本土老师差不多啊、、、

GRE大神 发表于 2013-11-23 18:16
我是说，我有两个留美的授课老师给我写了推荐信，但是只是通过title，美国人怎么知道这些老师是‘牛腿’。 ...

这个真的不知道了哎
我的那个老师还是英国籍的呢。。但是待在中国时间也是很多年了

perlin 发表于 2013-11-24 13:42
这个真的不知道了哎
我的那个老师还是英国籍的呢。。但是待在中国时间也是很多年了

所以我现在到不是特别看重推荐信了，干事只是走个流程。。。