耗时一个半，又修改一个小时，真诚求批改

题目：Which of the following would you change to improve your health: 1. The kind of food you eat 2. The amount of exercise 3. The amount of stress.

正文字数：435
Balanced diet, appropriate amount of exercise and proper release of pressure are all indispensable to our health. Balanced diet guarantees our nutrition; appropriate amount of exercise boosts immunity; proper release of pressure helps us get rid of busy city life. If I have to choose one elements among them, I prefer to release pressure and lead a less stressful life.

Stress have negative influences on our physical and psychology. Primarily, when you are under long-term pressure, obviously, your immunity system will become fragile and will be attacked by diseases easily. According to a recent research, 80% of the illness is related with pressure. Take Americans as an example, among the deaths in the United State, at least half of them die of heart disease or angiopathy which result from large amount of pressure. Additionally, pressure dose harm to our psychology, it might be related to depression and divorce. In American, 56% of the marriages end in divorce. Psychologists think that pressure is the leading cause. More details, when people endure large pressure, they usually have less patience and tolerance so the frictions will happen more frequently in their daily life and eventually result in divorce.

What’s more, pressure result in the reduction of the work efficiency and the increasing number of mistakes. This condition often happens among the rich people, especially the stock traders, hedge funder, lawyer, IT elite and so forth. This kind of people have higher salary but they also bear larger pressure. The case concerning my uncle can regard as the evidence to illustrate this point. As the CEO of the Microsoft China, there are lots of responsibilities on my uncle’s shoulder so he often burns the night oil to make sure every project finished before the deadline. Always staying in this situation leads him to make careless mistakes. For example, one day when my uncle met a VIP, he forgot to take the material, which is due to the fact that he was really tired and stressful and he only sleep two hours yesterday.

However, I have to concede that proper amount of pressure makes us more efficient. Without pressure we might become lazy. As the writer Kundra wrote in his book “The unbearable lightness of being”, he said that the heaviest of burdens is, therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment; the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

In sum, what has been discussed above is the reason why I insist to change the amount of pressure.

zhmg 发表于 2013-12-2 18:04
申请季，大家都忙着申请，可能没空帮你看作文呦

哎，其实我也该申请。。。。。

Balanced diet, appropriate amount of exercise and proper release of pressure are all indispensable to our health.(赞) Balanced diet guarantees our nutrition; appropriate amount of exercise boosts immunity; proper release of pressure helps us get rid of busy city life.（感觉有点赘余，凑字数的赶脚。。） If I have to choose one elements among them, I prefer to release pressure and lead a less stressful life.

Stress have negative influences on our physical and psychology. Primarily, when you are under long-term pressure, obviously, your immunity system will become fragile and will be attacked by diseases easily. According to a recent research, 80% of the illness is related with pressure. Take Americans as an example, among the deaths in the United State, at least half of them die of heart disease or angiopathy which result from large amount of pressure. Additionally, pressure dose harm to our psychology, it might be related to depression and divorce（这以丢丢貌似离题了，后面讲的离婚也是。离婚就是不健康么。。。冏）. In American, 56% of the marriages end in divorce. Psychologists think that pressure is the leading cause. More details, when people endure large pressure, they usually have less patience and tolerance so the frictions will happen more frequently in their daily life（到这儿为止都很好哇~） and eventually result in divorce.

What’s more, pressure result in the reduction of the work efficiency and the increasing number of mistakes. This condition often happens among the rich people, especially the stock traders, hedge funder, lawyer, IT elite and so forth. This kind of people have higher salary but they also bear larger pressure. The case concerning my uncle can regard as the evidence to illustrate this point. As the CEO of the Microsoft China, there are lots of responsibilities on my uncle’s shoulder so he often burns the night oil to make sure every project finished before the deadline. Always staying in this situation leads him to make careless mistakes. For example, one day when my uncle met a VIP, he forgot to take the material, which is due to the fact that he was really tired and stressful and he only sleep two hours yesterday. (例子很好哇~但是感觉逻辑不大对劲的赶脚。。前面就把生理和心理都抬出来，但是这段讲的貌似还是生理的问题。。不如一段生理一段心理来搞？生理分成生理小毛病和生理大毛病？)

However, I have to concede that proper amount of pressure makes us more efficient. Without pressure we might become lazy. As the writer Kundra wrote in his book “The unbearable lightness of being”, he said that the heaviest of burdens is, therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment; the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.（为什么看到的托福作文都这样。。。因为都练过GRE的么。。个人观点是缺点在优点的描述中一笔带过就好，毕竟不是GRE的issue。。个人观点哈。。）

In sum, what has been discussed above is the reason why I insist to change the amount of pressure.（结尾有点单薄啊。。而且没有跟另外两个的对比，也感觉有点单薄。。不用仔细比较，就讲你觉得它比起另外两个关键在哪，举一两个例子，应该比较切题吧。。？）
看得比较匆忙哈。。窝也在准备申请~攒个人品，lz加油~~~

Balanced diet, appropriate amount of exercise and proper release of pressure are all indispensable to our health. Balanced diet guarantees our nutrition; appropriate amount of exercise boosts immunity; proper release of pressure helps us get rid of busy city life. If I have to choose one elements among them, I prefer to release pressure and lead a less stressful life.凤头

Stress have negative influences on our physical and psychology. Primarily, when you are under long-term pressure, obviously, your immunity system will become fragile and will be attacked by diseases easily. According to a recent research, 80% of the illness is related with pressure. Take Americans as an example, among the deaths in the United State, at least half of them die of heart disease or angiopathy which result from large amount of pressure. Additionally, pressure dose harm to our psychology, it might be related to depression and divorce. In AmericanAmerica, 56% of the marriages end in divorce. Psychologists think that pressure is the leading cause. More details, when people endure large 好像用来形容pressure不合适 ressure, they usually have less patience and tolerance so the frictions will happen more frequently in their daily life and eventually result in divorce.极好的例子，而且把题目中的health分割成physical和psychological两部分来讨论，有的写What’s more, pressure result in the reduction of the work efficiency and the increasing number of mistakes. This condition often happens among the rich people, especially the stock traders, hedge funder, lawyer, IT elite and so forth. This kind of people have higher salary but they also bear larger pressure. The case concerning my uncle can regard as the evidence to illustrate this point. As the去掉，头衔不带定冠词 CEO of the Microsoft China LOL, there are lots of a lot of responsibilities on my uncle’s shoulder “肩负责任”直接说shoulder responsibility就可以了so he often burns the night oil 好词to make sure every project finished before the deadline. Always staying in this situation leads him to make careless mistakes. For example, one day when my uncle met a VIP, he forgot to take the material, which is due to the fact that he was really tired and stressful and he only sleep two hours yesterday.

However, I have to concede that proper amount of pressure makes us more efficient. Without pressure we might become lazy. As the writer Kundra wrote in his book “The unbearable lightness of being”, he said that the heaviest of burdens is, therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment; the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.这一段例子也极好，但我的观点同LS

In sum, what has been discussed above is the reason why I insist to change the amount of pressure.

文章很好啊，基本没有什么问题