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[T作文-求改] TPO45 独立求狠批:Decision of young people: past and now

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第一次接触托福写作,写了两个版本并花小钱批改、重复分析:
  • Version 1,TPO 整套限时,没写完错误频出;
  • Version 2,无限时重写,在看了 E-rater/Microsoft 批改后。


希望能有前辈根据 Version 2 指教,求狠批,非常感谢!
如果有 uu 感兴趣评分但又不想花钱,可以对比下两文,e-rater 跨了一个档次。
Task / TPO 45

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?


In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Version 1
Limited in 30mins, 360 words; errors revised
E-rater: 18-24/30
Microsoft: 26/30

Contemporary  arguments  on  adolescents'  autonomy  in  decision  making  are  prevailing.  Some,  in  this  context,  argues  that  the  younger  are  more  decisively  independent  to  their  parents  than  before,  while  other  opponents  disagree.  To  me,  this  new  generation  are  more  confident  and  canny  in  exploring  their  own  ways,  for  at  least  three  reasons.

For  one,  consistently  changing  challenges  to  the  young  generation  obligate  them  to  avoid  indecisive,  as  before.  In  a  modern  society,  people  are  required  to  be  more  adaptive  to  fast  evolution.  For  instance,  the  distance  of  the  second  and  third  industrial  revolution  is  much  more  close,  compared  to  the  fist  and  second.  In  this  process,  it  is  essential  and  sometimes  vital  for  the  younger  generation  to  learn  and  implement  something  at  a  higher  speed  than  ever  before,  thus,  they  need  to  be  responsive  to  every  instant  problem  and  question.  Moreover,  today's  works  are  highly  professional,  such  as a software  engineer who  need  to  program  a  unique  module  by  own  and an individual  researchers  which  require  those  employees  to  tackle  with  emerging  questions  using  personal  talents,  and  those  mandatory  techniques  are  not  static  even  could  found  in  previous  efforts.  Therefore,  challenges  and  fresh  requirements  make  the  younger  to  be  independent  than  before.

Second,  opportunities  from  education  and  occupation  introduce  a  higher  eligibility  of  doing  so  to  than  former.  Since  statistics  consecutively  show,  whether  from  universities  or  governments,  the  general  level  of  residents'  education  is  rising  at  a  significant  speed,  those  under  more  recent  education  have  higher  capability  of  making  a  more  personal  decisions  with  higher  quality.  Besides,  current  industrial  practices  also  elevated  the  importance  of  training  for  higher  demands  in  professional  eligibility.  For  example,  IT  companies  including  FAGM  (Facebook,  Amazon,  Google,  Microsoft)  have  a  nearly  universal  consensus  that  students  from  prestigious colleges  need  to  be  trained  for  higher  working  performance.  These  two  factors  make  those  younger  more  confident  in  choosing  their  own  lives.

Admittedly,  mature  suggestions  from  the  elder  are  consistently  beneficial,  adolescents  in  a  more  modern  context  pursue  for  integrating  them  as  complementary,  which  is  also  different  from  the  past.  Overall,  the  tendency  of  young  people  to  be  more  independent  in  decision  making  than  before  is  due  to  societal  changes  and  consequences,


Version 2
Revised without time limit, 505 words
E-rater: 25-30/30
Microsoft: 26/30

Eight in ten of my friends expressed a tendency to “consider” rather than to “accept” their parents’ suggestions, when choosing professional and personal tracks. As not a singular, although the impacts from the elderly continue, the younger generation is shifting to a more independent pattern of decision making, for at least three reasons.

This behavior firstly questions: are adolescents  “required” to be more decisive ? A qualitative answer is yes for the continuity of changes and  the heterogeneity  of professions in modern society. Contrast to  now, changes in the past were notably rare which preserves the efficiency of past experience. For instance, the reason why our grandparents’ advice on agricultural and fishing skills didn’t lose validity to parents was partly because lives in a small village hadn’t changed much. However, current society for the young generation is constituted with higher proportions of the secondary and the tertiary economic sectors.  For example, the elder generation is doomed to fail to transfer tacit knowledge in newly emerged industries including information technology, social network communication strategies, and  artificial intelligence based arts, for the lack of experience. In this case, teenagers need to find relevant support and make decisions on their own, which is, less dependent on parents.

Another reason is higher education has increased their capability of better decisions. In China, as a typical example, education level in general has significantly increased in the past two decades and one in six of them holds a degree equal to or higher than a bachelor, according to the official. Comparing this with the previous scarcity in education, if one agrees with higher cognition related to higher education, s/he would notice that the younger generation in China yields increased mastery of making appropriate choices. Moreover, a similar phenomenon is recently documented in an ethnography dubbed “Study Gods: How Do Chinese Elites Preparing Global Competition”. This book argues that Chinese students with more prestigious educational backgrounds may acquire more mature  skills in interaction, essential for  later  achievements. Therefore, since cognitive advantages improve decision quality,  higher education yields better decisions and thus adolescents are more capable of prioritizing their own ideas.

Additionally, children born later have realized parents are merely one source of suggestions while manifold alternatives are available, such as academic and professional mentors. In respect to my experience, graduate school teachers make invaluable efforts to make students ask a question and find a solution independently, especially in my unprecedented thesis on GitHub’s social networks. And so do my professional mentors since the primary work of a product manager is to make decisions, even in uncertain situations. Those trainings and informations are not from my parents but efficiently improve my decision quality.

To sum up, the younger generation is making more independent decisions than before for societal changes, personal capability, and ware of alternatives. Admittedly, impacts from parents are still effective but such influences are becoming less practical, less prioritized, and less prevailing than before. Is this phenomenon sporadic? No. Beneficial for them? Yes. Inspiring for us? Absolutely.

上一篇:80-102 **的经验分享~首次发帖,求支持
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 楼主| reynd 2022-10-3 17:27:50 | 显示全部楼层
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贴几条我自己认为仍待提升的,如果有前辈愿意针对性给点小建议就更好了:
- Elaboration 仍然非常不足,没有充分给予 example 细节和强调与分论点的相关性;
- 比较缺乏地道的表达,比如 loath to / reluctant to 这种中文不会使用的表达方式;
- 开头和各分段 hook 部分不够吸引人;
- 非常规句式不是很丰富,不知道托福这个权重如何?
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E-rater還有這個Microsoft打分的是什麼東東,看著好有用!要怎樣才能使用?
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babybear68 2022-10-4 00:27:43 来自APP | 显示全部楼层
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我觉得在不是明显套用模版的情况下 词数越多分高的可能性越大 360有点少 虽然语法和选词上有些问题 但逻辑基本上没问题 肯定比18分高 应该在24分左右 然后我觉得不限时修改意义不大 考的就是30分钟内能写出多少语法正确语义合理逻辑自洽的句子
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 楼主| reynd 2022-10-4 17:02:14 | 显示全部楼层
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shirleywu_edu 发表于 2022-10-3 22:12
E-rater還有這個Microsoft打分的是什麼東東,看著好有用!要怎樣才能使用?

Microsoft 是微软爱写作;E-rater 就是 ETS 自己会使用的机器评分系统,在考满分 ¥5 /次
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 楼主| reynd 2022-10-4 17:05:59 | 显示全部楼层
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babybear68 发表于 2022-10-4 00:27
我觉得在不是明显套用模版的情况下 词数越多分高的可能性越大 360有点少 虽然语法和选词上有些问题 但逻辑 ...

感谢,我觉得稍微练一下写上四百肯定没问题;先搞定数量再追求质量。
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我觉得v1的开头好多了
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 楼主| reynd 2022-10-5 19:15:01 | 显示全部楼层
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我看了一下 Greg Mat 的视频,发现第一版的方式确实更好,感谢指出。
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