新人独立写作求改！9.1 考. TPO 23

TPO 23 独立写作
Q: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

  In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure the everything is correct.




  In this fast pacing world, knowledge, skills and information could be all shared quickly. More and more people all around the world could compete for the same opposition, what important to be more competiable is to work quickly and risk making mistakes rather than work slowly and make everything correct.

  First, the acute competition needs people to work quickly. As people all around the world could gain education, informaion easily online, these make more people skillful to high level. However, this also means the acommpanying more firece competition. In this situiation, what makes you successful is to be quick and catch the opportunity to be the first person finding the way to success. For example, in scientific research area, many researchers conduct the same project, if someone works quickly to successfully publish a paper before others, this paper will be a reference to others, which brings the fame and patents to the one. However, while working slowly but everything's correct, you still have to refer to the quickly-published paper, what obtained is honor that the best evidence for the quickly-published paper. Working quickly may bring people the success.

  Second, no matter what to do, everything is risky. As being careful and afraid of mistake-making, people will be too frightened to do anything under pressure. While concentrating on the perfect, nothing could be done and gained. Success equals to hard-working plus luck, people can not gain success while making everything correct. On the other hand, the higher the risk is, the greater outcome is. For example, Warren Buffett, who's famous for his talents and achievements in investment area, could not even make anything controlable to be correct. In the share market,what making him accumulate wealth is to forestall the potential wealth, make great investment and risk the mistake-making.

  However, working quickly does not equal to carelessness, which would waste time and lower the possibility to gain success. While working quickly and risking making mistakes, people should still be careful and trying to make everything correct.

  In conclusion, working quickly and risking making mistakes correspond to the demand of this fast-pacing and informationlized world for talents.  

Here are my opinions.
1.Spelling, 错太多的话还是很影响评分的。
2.Diversity, 同样的意思建议换些词来表示，比如all around the world就有很多说法嘛。
3.Use more adv. and conj. 多用副词和连词。表达起来更简洁，更有逻辑。
4.Use less art. 少用冠词，特别是the的滥用在咱中国学生的作文里挺常见的...除非是作为强调，否则如果没有特指，还是不要全加the的好。
5.有些表述挺奇怪的...比如这句“people can not gain success while making everything correct”...

总的来说，一是vocabulary diversity的问题,二是表述生硬的问题，三是建议增加些concrete examples。
考试好运哈~

In this fast pacing[fast-paced] world, knowledge, skills and information could be all shared [could all be shared] quickly. More and more people all around the world could compete for the same opposition [应该是想说position吧...], what important [what's important is] to be more competiable [competent] is to [, which requires people to] work quickly and risk making mistakes rather than work slowly and make everything correct.

  First, the [去掉the] acute competition needs people to work quickly. As people all around the world [多次出现，可以考虑替换] could gain education,[用个连词吧] informaion easily online, these make more people skillful to high level [highly skillful]. However, this also means the acommpanying [没看懂] more firece competition. In this situiation, what makes you successful is to be quick and catch the opportunity to be the first person finding the way to success. For example, in scientific research area, many researchers conduct the same project, if someone works quickly to successfully publish a paper before others, this paper will be a reference to others, which brings the fame and patents to the one. However, while working slowly but everything's correct, you still have to refer to the quickly-published paper, what obtained is honor that the best evidence [没看懂...大概是说what you get at best is the honor of being the evidence] for the quickly-published paper. Working quickly may bring people the [去掉the] success.

. Χ  Second, no matter what to do, everything is risky. As being careful and afraid of mistake-making, people will be too frightened to do anything under pressure. While concentrating on the perfect [while建议换成转折], nothing could be done and gained. Success equals to hard-working plus luck, people can not gain success while making everything correct. On the other hand, the higher the risk is, the greater outcome is. For example, Warren Buffett, who's famous for his talents and achievements in investment area, could not even make anything controlable to be correct. In the share market,what making him accumulate wealth [what leads to his gigantic accumulation of wealth] is to forestall the potential wealth, make great investment and risk the mistake-making [risk the possibility of a mistake].

  However, working quickly does not equal to carelessness, which would waste time and lower the possibility to gain success. While working quickly and risking making mistakes[work quickly and risk making mistakes], people should still be careful and trying to make everything correct.

  In conclusion, working quickly and risking making mistakes correspond to the demand of this fast-pacing and informationlized world for talents.  

JustForR 发表于 2013-9-8 11:21
Here are my opinions.
1.Spelling, 错太多的话还是很影响评分的。
2.Diversity, 同样的意思建议换些词来 ...

确实写的很差 感谢修改！ 我会参考下建议的
. 1point 3 acres打算在考一次 再提高下作文的水准...再次感谢

zwy021142 发表于 2013-9-8 17:23
确实写的很差 感谢修改！ 我会参考下建议的
打算在考一次 再提高下作文的水准...再次感谢

不客气 加油~作文多练练没问题的~