鸡精作文求改，谢谢各位啦

题目：Working at home by using computer and telephone is better than working in the office

正文：
     With the rapid development of the technology, the numbers of people who support to work at home are increasing.  There is a prevailing view that working at home is more comfortable than office because of the computer and internet.  Despite all of this, I'm still hold the view that working at offices is better.
    Obviously, working at home could not be compared with working at the office in terms of effective. Citing myself as an example, I used to working for a big network company. We all work in a big office. If one of us meets a problem, we could discuss together and solve problem together. Thanks to this, we could finish all problems and work very well. Suppose that we work at home, if one of us meets one problem which is too hard to solve. The only thing he could do is that call each of us and talk about this problem, I'm sure it will be cost a lot of time. The reason why working at office is more effective is that we could solve the problem together.  This element is very important in the work.
      Additionally, working at office gives us a great chance communicate with others which working at home could not provide.  It is reasonable to expect that if I meet some problem which I could not be solved by myself, others may help me to solve. Also, if I have some occur which I'm not found, others may help me to correct this. The wonderful things which in the offices is that we could talk a lot of things about us, like the job, future and family. In my opinion, this could increase our friendship and make us become friend. Compare to the offices, you must solve all problems and find all the errors by yourself if you work at home. I believe this would be hard for one person.
     Finally, working in the offices gives us more opportunities to learn and grows. It is not surprising that we will obtain a lot of help from other people. For instance, we may all have this experience, when we solve one problem which it is very hard for us to solve, surprising, someone may just use little time to solve, because he has some good methods to solve this problem. This will increase our understanding of this problem. However, we could not have so many opportunities like in the offices because when we face the problem, we could only depend on ourselves. This will limit our future grow.
     Certainly, working at home has some advantages. However, from what has been discussed above, we may safety draw the conclusion that working at offices is better, for the reason that working more effective, easy communication with others and great opportunities to learn and grows.  

(先说一下：我用英语回复绝对不是为了显摆，请楼主别误会。因为我也在准备托福考试，所以想利用一切机会训练。有不容易说清楚的地方我就用回中文了。抱拳，海涵~)

Dear writer,

See my in-place comments marked in bold.

Quote:

     With the rapid development of the technology, the numbers of(Ror: "the number of") people who support to work at home are(Ror: "is") increasing.  There is a prevailing view that working at home is more comfortable than office because of the computer and internet(Ror: Internet).  Despite all of this, I'm still hold(Ror: either "I'm still holding" or "I still hold") the view that working at offices is better.
    Obviously, working at home could not be compared with working at the office(Ror: "at office", because you are talking about a general case.) in terms of effective(Ror: "effectiveness"). Citing myself as an example, I used to working(Ror: "used to work" because "get used to doing sth." or "used to do sth.") for a big network company. We all work(Ror: "worked", because you mentioned you "used to work somewhere" in the previous sentence so past tense should be used here.) in a big office. If one of us meets(Ror: "met", due to the same reason mentioned above) a problem, we could discuss together and solve problem(Ror: "solve the problem" because here you are referring to the particular "problem" mentioned in the previous sentence.) together(Ror: Two "together"'s appear too close to each other.  I suggest deleting the first one.). Thanks to this, we could finish all problems and work(Ror: "all the problems and work".  Still, you are talking about the particular problems and work you dealt with in that particular company, so a "the" should modify the objects you are referring to.) very well. Suppose that we work at home, if one of us meets one problem which is too hard to solve. The only thing he could do is that call each of us and talk about this problem, I'm sure it will be cost a lot of time.(Ror: Suppose that we worked at home, if one of us met one problem which was too hard to solve, the only thing he could do is call each of us and talk about it, which I'm sure would cost a lot of time. 1). 整体而言这里我想应该使用虚拟语气; 2). "all I could do is do sth.", 在这种结构中"could do is"后面是直接跟动词的) The reason why working at office is more effective is that we could solve the problem together.  This element is very important in the work.
      Additionally, working at office gives us a great chance communicate(Ror: "to communicate") with others which working at home could not provide.  It is reasonable to expect that if I meet some problem which I could not be solved(Ror: "I could not solve".  "You" are not the object to be "solved".  It's "you" who solve the problem.) by myself, others may help me to solve. Also, if I have some occur which I'm not found(Ror: 这句没懂...似乎楼主想说"if I have some mistakes I didn't find"?  这里的"occur"是什么意思？), others may help me to correct this. The wonderful things which in the offices is(Ror: "are".  This is the so-called "agreement in subject and predicate".  Here the subject is "things" in plural form so you need to use "are" as the predicate.) that we could talk a lot of things about us, like the job, future and family. In my opinion, this could increase our friendship and make us become friend(Ror: Hmm.. "friends" should be good because "us" consists of multiple persons.). Compare to the offices, you must solve all problems(Ror: "all the problems") and find all the errors by yourself if you work at home. I believe this would be hard for one person.
     Finally, working in the offices gives us more opportunities to learn and grows. It is not surprising that we will obtain a lot of help from other people. For instance, we may all have this experience, when we solve one problem which it is very hard for us to solve, surprising, someone may just use little time to solve, because he has some good methods to solve this problem. This will increase our understanding of this problem. However, we could not have so many opportunities like in the offices because when we face the problem, we could only depend on ourselves. This will limit our future grow.
(Ror: 不好意思突然发现已经这么晚了。我就不一个一个地写了。直接把这一段按照楼主的意思改一遍，主要是一些语法和语言上的问题，和原文不同的地方用黄色标注了，请楼主自己对比一下吧：
    Finally, working in the offices gives us more opportunities to learn and grow.  It is not surprising that we will obtain a lot of help from other people.  For instance, we may all have this experience that when we solve one problem which is very hard for us, surprisingly, someone may just use little time to get the same problem done because he has some good methods for it.  This will increase our understanding of this problem.  However, we could not have as many opportunities when working at home as those when working at office.  As a result, we could only depend on ourselves when we face the problem, which will limit our future grow.)
     Certainly, working at home has some advantages. However, from what has been discussed above, we may safety(Ror: "safely") draw the conclusion that working at offices(Ror: "office") is better, for the reason that working more effective(Ror: "effectively"因为你需要副词来修饰working), easy(Ror: "easier", 因为背后有用work at office和work at home做比较，所以用比较级) communication with others and great(Ror: "greater") opportunities to learn and grows(Ror: "grow").


整体评价：
1. 文章的结构还是可以的，比较经典的“总-分-总”结构。
2. 语法和词法上还有一定欠缺。对于语法上的问题（例如定冠词的使用、主谓一致）楼主细心一些应该就可以。词法的问题（例如"the number of"和"used to do sth. vs be/get used to doing sth."）需要楼主再注意巩固一下这些词语的固定搭配等。
3. 有时楼主的语言会显重复，例如倒数第二段的这几句："when we solve one problem which it is very hard for us to solve, surprising, someone may just use little time to solve, because he has some good methods to solve this problem. This will increase our understanding of this problem." 在极短的范围内多次重复"solve"和"problem"，虽然没有语法错误，但读着会不爽。楼主可以使用近义词以及代词来解决用词重复的问题。
4. 楼主的第二个论据“有机会和他人沟通”我认为立意的高度不够。建议楼主把立意提高到“通过建立和他人的沟通而构建人脉/关系网从而更好地工作和生活”反正大概是这个意思~
5. "Additionally"那段中的最后一句"... you must solve all problems and find all the errors by yourself ..."我认为和第二个论据关系不大，反而和"Finally"那一段的关系更大，建议挪到"Finally"那段中。

Ror 发表于 2013-8-11 23:00
(先说一下：我用英语回复绝对不是为了显摆，请楼主别误会。因为我也在准备托福考试，所以想利用一切机会训练 ...

这么晚了，太感谢啦

Working at home by using computer andtelephone is better than working in the office

With the rapid development of thetechnology, more and more people prefer working at home to working in office. Thereis a prevailing view that working at home is more comfortable than in officebecause of the computer and internet. Despite all of this, I still hold theview that working at offices is better.

Obviously, working at home could not becompared with working at the office in terms of effective. Citing myself as anexample, I used to work for a big network company. We all work in a big office.If one of us meets a problem, we could discuss together and solve problemtogether. Thanks to this, we could finish all problems and work very well.Suppose that we work at home, if one of us meets one problem which is too hardto solve. The only thing he could do is that call each of us and talk aboutthis problem, I'm sure it will be cost a lot of time. The reason why working atoffice is more effective is that we could solve the problem together. Thiselement is very important in the work.

Additionally, working at office gives us agreat chance to communicate with others while working at home could not. It isreasonable to expect that if I meet some problem which I could not be solved bymyself, others may help me to solve. Also, if I have some occur (???) which I'mnot found, others may help me to correct this. The most wonderful thing ofworking in offices is that we could talk a lot of things about us, like thejob, future and family. In my opinion, this could increase our friendship and graduallymake us friends. Compared to working in offices, you must solve all problemsand find all the errors on your own if you work at home. I believe this wouldbe hard for one person.

Finally, working in the offices gives usmore opportunities to learn and grows. It is not surprising that we will obtaina lot of help from other people. For instance, we may all have this experience,when we solve one problem which it is very hard for us to solve, surprisingly,someone was excel in this field and this might be a piece of cake for him. Thiswill increase our understanding of this problem. However, we might lose suchopportunities compared with working in offices because when we are facing theproblem, we could only depend on ourselves. This will limit our future grow.

Certainly, working at home has someadvantages. However, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw theconclusion that working at offices is better, for the reason that working moreeffective, easy communication with others and great opportunities to learn andgrows.

总体不错，提醒LZ注意下表达要尽量简洁

一家之言，还请大家指正

hdchina2010

2013-08-12

贴上我自己的习作，楼主可看看，不一定比你好，但提供不同思路。也希望网友帮忙改改

Thanks to the rapid development of innovative technology that makes telecommuting possible, working at home has been an alternative for many white-collar workers. The convenience and efficiency may be the main reasons that give credits to this new way of working. However, I maintain that the traditional way-working in the office-is still more preferable than the latter one.

First of all, working in the office will discipline the employees themselves to work more regularly and positively. Admittedly, working at home will give workers more freedom to choose when to finish the tasks and save time wasted at the commuting between home and office, which at first glance would seem to have been more efficient. But, this type of working style actually leads to the opposite consequence. Face-to-face communication is always the most direct and effective way of exchanging ideas. This can never be accomplished in a faraway place using computers or telephones. While in the office, you can discuss with your colleagues immediately if any questions aroused and you can figure it out together. What's more, working at home may lessen the workers' activeness. Without any necessary rules and deadlines, workers at home will probably face the problem of procrastination, becoming lazy and not serious about their jobs.

More importantly, working in the office with workmates and living at home with family is a desirable and indispensable mean in helping a person distinguish between his/her different social roles. That's to say, the office's atmosphere aware the person of current work, while environment at home reminds the person that he/she is one member of the family. Combining these together could possibly confuse you and impede you from identifying yourself. Working and living at home makes it hard to arrange the schedules when to work and when to relax. Everything could be messed up if you, hypothetically, play the roles of a father and an employee at the same time. My uncle's experience would be a striking and persuasive example. He once took part in an experiment program of his company by working at home. Hardly had he get accustomed to this new way of working before he quitted this program, for the potential problems that mentioned before had made him crazy.

Above all, working at home could be a good option unless the employees are all self-disciplined and able to make their schedules properly. Currently, however, working in office is still the best choice.