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[T作文-求改] 写作瓶颈+TPO 48独立写作加米求狠批!六月大考在即, 求地里大神指点迷津!

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本帖最后由 微信用户_4d4049c 于 2022-5-20 17:42 编辑

写在前面:
首先非常感谢辛德瑞拉syden对我上一篇文章的建议,非常受用。其次我想聊一下我现在遇到的最大写作的问题:时间不够。这篇文章我大概花了40分钟左右才写完,想请教一下各位大佬有没有短期提升打字速度的利器。
PS:划线句是我个人觉得表达有些问题,但不知道如何修改,望各位大佬帮忙指正。


Official 46 Task 2
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
作文:

Nowadays, there has been a heated discussion on the importance of celebrities' opinions on young people and old people. Some people suggest that young people value the words of celebrities more than old people do. On the contrary, from my perspective, I think the opinions of celebrities are also vital to older people.
To begin with, adults can improve themselves after listening to constructive suggestions from celebrities. At an older age, people are usually more mature and have a clear goal to achieve.Take my friend Tom as an example, he is a huge fan of Michael Jordan. After knowing that his model wakes up at four a.m. to practice basketball after an interview, he decided to do a similar thing right away. From then on, he woke up at 4 a.m. to go jogging around his neighborhood. After one year, he had better physical health and persisted in doing it. However, that didn't happen to my cousin Jerry. He quit jogging after three days of exercise and has never picked it up again.

Furthermore, information from celebrities helps older people to pick up new habits. During the lockdown in Shanghai, my grandma has a new interest: exercising with Liu Genghong, a famous singer and gym coach from Hong Kong, China. Every time Liu starts to live stream for exercise, my grandma concentrated to follow his move one by one. That did not take place for my aunt. She also followed Liu as she is his fan. Sadly, she didn't continue after a week because the exercise was very tiring.

Young people could also be positively impacted by the opinions of celebrities. My friend, Brittany loved Liu Meihan, a famous actor since her childhood. After knowing that her model applied to Peking University for a doctorate degree, she decided to study harder. When preparing for her final exams, she made a daily schedule that started from 8 in the morning and ended at 10 at night. Rather than sticking to the middle of the class, she ranked third place among her classmates in the final exams.

All in all, I think the words from the celebrities are also very important for older people because they can improve themselves and pick up a new healthy habit.

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leohe1995 2022-5-21 07:14:23 | 显示全部楼层
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所以你的观点是celebrity对年轻人和老人都有积极影响?第一段tom不太清楚这位朋友多大,按你的意思他应该属于older people,但这个很不明显,如果他是younger people那跟你论点相违背,第二段讲你奶奶,第三段又讲年轻人?我觉得论点例子都不是很valid,然后语句的话除了一些表达比较中式其他语法错误倒是没很多。还有就是模版痕迹太严重,第一段感觉完全就是模版。
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 楼主| 微信用户_4d4049c 2022-5-22 01:14:31 | 显示全部楼层
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leohe1995 发表于 2022-5-20 19:14
所以你的观点是celebrity对年轻人和老人都有积极影响?第一段tom不太清楚这位朋友多大,按你的意思他应该属 ...

我的中心论点是想讲celebrity对old people很重要。我也有用中间两段去论证这一点。但因为发现前两段用的都是年轻人中的反面教材,所以第4段是想表达celebrity也可以带给年轻人正面的力量。关于你说的论点不够好这一点,你有什么建议吗?(因为我确实很不会总结论点)关于Tom年龄不明晰这一点,如果把具体的年龄点出来会好一些吗?
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leohe1995 2022-5-22 19:21:41 | 显示全部楼层
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对 tom如果你不提一下他具体背景尤其是年龄这一块 读者肯定不知道他属于old people or young people啊 论点的话就一定要简洁有力,就跟你写中文文章是一样的,我觉得写身边的例子当然可以但就是一定要把事情交代清楚,语言方面要高要求,你写名人事迹的话语言就没那么高要求 因为读者会产生共鸣。另外你第一段没要写完tom还要踩jerry. jerry不能坚持jogging是他自己的事,跟名人影响没有具体联系吧,而且我觉得国外很忌讳这种judging。我稍微写了一段关于这个题目的(如果我写的话),另外关于写作速度,我觉得就花两三分钟想好要写啥,列个提纲,写起来就很快了,千万不能一边想一边写,这个语文作文是一个道理。

Celebrities in today’s society play an important role in influencing people’s values towards certain topics, especially those in politics, ideology, and lifestyles. It is not hard to assume that many young people would follow the celebrities and see them as opinion leaders. Some might suggest young people need more of this than the old people do with which I can’t agree. Old people need their influence too.

I do think the impact of celebrities as opinion leaders is beyond age. Their opinions can be important and influential to old people as long as the opinions are indeed valuable and universal. Take Michael Jordan as an example. He as the greatest basketball player in history, has not only inspired millions of young athletes to pursue their dreams in sports, but also encourage the older generation, especially the African Americans, to stay positive and confident in their lives. You will receive tremendous recognition for what you have accomplished not for your skin color. His spirit is beyond age and race. Old people are also impacted by Michael Jordan’s team spirit and professionalism.

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 楼主| 微信用户_4d4049c 2022-5-23 05:29:32 | 显示全部楼层
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leohe1995 发表于 2022-5-22 07:21
对 tom如果你不提一下他具体背景尤其是年龄这一块 读者肯定不知道他属于old people or young people啊 论点 ...

嗯,理解了,万分感谢
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qtzz 2022-5-23 09:42:14 | 显示全部楼层
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划线句子可以这么修改:
Her dedication and perseverance paid off and she stayed on top of her class.
关于打字速度提高:只有多练习逼迫自己多打。可以先照着文章打字,加快速度,然后边想自己的句子,边打,提高速度。
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qtzz 2022-5-23 10:15:51 | 显示全部楼层
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我在原文基础上稍微给些意见,写在括号里,希望能帮助到你,并且获取一些大米。
Nowadays, there has been a heated discussion on the importance of celebrities' opinions on young people and old people. Some people suggest that young people value the words of celebrities more than old people do. On the contrary, from my perspective, I think the opinions of celebrities are also vital to older people. (on the contrary 此处不妥,如果用on the contrary, 你应该说名人话语对老年人更重要。如果想表达名人话语对年轻人和老年人都重要,可以说However, I reckon that celebritys' words can have a great influence on both two parties.)
To begin with, adults can improve themselves after listening to constructive suggestions from celebrities. At an older age, people are usually more mature (with a clearer goal setting) and have a clear goal to achieve. Take my friend Tom as an example, he is a huge fan of Michael Jordan. After knowing that his model wakes up at four a.m. to practice basketball after (during) an interview, he decided to do a similar thing right away. (Tom做同样的事情并不是应为名人话语,而只是简单模仿,此句可以改为:Jordan believes in hard work and long-term habits, which Tom agrees and with this positive stimulus, he start to follow his model to do exercise regularly with the goal to increase his health) From then on, he woke up at 4 a.m. to go jogging around his neighborhood. After one year, he had better physical health and persisted in doing it. However, that didn't happen to my cousin Jerry. He quit jogging after three days of exercise and has never picked it up again. (Jerry quit joggin并不能说明任何问题,jerry jogging是受了jordan的影响吗?jerry没坚持下来就跟jordan的影响没有关系了,跟他自己有关系,老外读了会觉得奇怪,我在美国生活了4年,也会觉得不合理,而且说别人quit就是没坚持是judge别人,是不好的,应该避免,每个人有不同的情况。此处可以直接去掉jerry的例子,应为这一段就是在说celebrity对人的积极影响。如果想说celebrity对人negative的影响或者没有影响,可以说on the other hand, Jerry who has a similar health condition and age as Tom, does not follow Jordan's habit after seeing the same interview.)
Furthermore, information from celebrities helps older people to pick up new habits. During the lockdown in Shanghai, my grandma has a new interest: exercising with Liu Genghong, a famous singer and gym coach from Hong Kong, China. Every time Liu starts to live stream for exercise, my grandma concentrated to follow his move one by one. That did not take place for my aunt. She also followed Liu as she is his fan. Sadly, she didn't continue after a week because the exercise was very tiring.
Young people could also be positively impacted by the opinions of celebrities. My friend, Brittany loved Liu Meihan, a famous actor since her childhood. After knowing that her model applied to Peking University for a doctorate degree, she decided to study harder. (她为什么要study harder的根本原因没有说出来,是应为她的model觉得学习很重要,所以她认可了,可以改为:...for a doctorate degree because she thinks knowledge is the most valuable asset, Brittany sincerely agrees with that and therefore she decided to study harder to be more confident about her future career.) When preparing for her final exams, she made a daily schedule that started from 8 in the morning and ended at 10 at night. Rather than sticking to the middle of the class, she ranked third place among her classmates in the final exams.
All in all, I think the words from the celebrities are also very important for older people because they can improve themselves and pick up a new healthy habit.
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 楼主| 微信用户_4d4049c 2022-5-23 11:12:28 | 显示全部楼层
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qtzz 发表于 2022-5-22 22:15
我在原文基础上稍微给些意见,写在括号里,希望能帮助到你,并且获取一些大米。
Nowadays, there has been ...

嗯嗯,万分感谢
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qtzz 2022-5-23 22:34:10 | 显示全部楼层
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不客气,加油~
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